opps a little late but hye still did it

merry xmas to everbody and happy new year

this year im going to lose weight

animal crossing ds(wild world) tips

Animal Crossing WW Unlockables
How to get Nookington's with new hair salon
Nook's Cranny expands just like in the GC version, into Nook 'n Go, Nookway, and eventually Nookington's, and with the final expansion comes the hair salon. You need to have spent 240,000 bells, and a visiting friend must have bought something from Nook to reach this stage.
Unlock Golden Tools
Perform various tasks around your town to unlock the following.
Unlockable How to Unlock
Golden Fishing Rod Catch every type of fish once.
Golden Bug Net Catch every type of bug once.
Golden Slingshot Shoot 15 items out of the sky, and then you get it if you shoot it down.
Golden Shovel Bury a regular shovel in the ground, and then dig it up a full day later. It will then be golden.
Golden Watering Can Keep the environment perfect for 16 days in a row. Pelly or Phyllis will reward you with the golden can.
Golden Axe Trade a scallop seashell to Pascal for the golden axe.
Nook Store Upgrades
Spend the said amount of money at nooks store and he will remodel and make the store larger.
Unlockable How to Unlock
Nooks Cranny (level 1) Available from start
Nook 'n' Go (level 2) Spend 25000 bells
Nookway (level 3) Spend 65000 bells
Nookingtons (final upgrade) Spend 240000 bells and have a friend shop at the store
Donating to Boondox
Boondox is apparently a town that's so poor they eat dirt...so YOU'RE supposed to help them out. Give them enough and you'll reap the rewards...may not be worth all the bells, but it's for a good cause...right?
Unlockable How to Unlock
Green Feather Donate 10,000 Bells
Blue Feather Donate 200,000 Bells
Yellow Feather Donate 500,000 Bells
Red Feather Donate 800,000 Bells
Purple Feather Donate 1,100,000 Bells
White Feather Donate 1,400,000 Bells
Rainbow Feather Donate 6,400,000 Bells...(ouch)
Post Office Savings Account Rewards.
Unlockable How to Unlock
Box of Tissues Save 1,000,000 bells.
Piggy Bank Save 10,000,000 bells.
Pelly's Pic Save 100,000,000 bells.
Phyllis's Pic Save 500,000,000 bells.
Town Hall Model Save 999,999,999 bells.
How to get the scallop
The scallop is used to get the golden axe from Pascal. Pascal walks around by the beach at a random time, once a week. First, you need to buy a red turnip from Joan. Next, give it to Wendel the next time he comes to town. Wendel should give you the Turban or Country Guitar. If you get the Turban, take it to Sahara when she comes to town. Sahara should give you either the Massage Chair or Red Vase. If you get the Massage Chair, let Tortimer have it the next holiday and he should give you the scallop. Then just wait for Pascal to show up and give him the scallop.
But if you got the Country Guitar, give it to K.K. Slider to get K.K.'s Pic
And if you got the Red Vase, give it to Crazy Redd in exchange for the Safe. Give the safe to Tom Nook for the Tom Nook Pic.
House Upgrades
Unlockable How to Unlock
Expand House (1st) Pay the debt of 19,800 bells.
Expand House (2nd) Pay the debt of 120,000 bells.
Upstairs Room Pay the debt of 298,000 bells.
Left Room Pay the debt of 598,000 bells.
Right Room Pay the debt of 728,000 bells.
Back Room Pay the debt of 848,000 bells.
Trophies
There are certain trophies that can be obtained only after you've done well in certain community activities. The Fishing Tourney takes place on every third Sunday of January, March, May, November and December, from 12-6PM. The Bug-Off takes place every third Sunday of June-September, from 12-6PM. The Flower Fest takes place on the second week of April. Do well in these competitions to win these rare items.
Unlockable How to Unlock
The Fish Trophy Catch the biggest fish in The Fishing Tourney
The Bug Trophy Catch the biggest bug during The Bug-Off
The Flower Trophy Create the best garden during The Flower Fest
Fireworks Show Items
These items can only be obtained during the Fireworks Show. The Fireworks Show takes place every Saturday in August, from 7-12PM. Speak to Tortimer during that time to obtain these items.
Unlockable How to Unlock
Sparklers Speak to Tortimer during the Fireworks Show
Roman Candles Speak to Tortimer during the Fireworks Show
Party Poppers
Speak to Tortimer any time during New Year's Eve. He'll give you Party Poppers to help celebrate the occasion.
Unlockable How to Unlock
Party Poppers Speak to Tortimer during New Year's Eve
Receive Birthday Cake Item
Log into your town on your birthday and get a Birthday Cake item from one of your neighbors.
Get the snowman set
In the winter create a snowman by rolling up the snowballs you occasionally see laying around. Push one on to the other and a snowman is created with the correct proportions. The next day, as a way of saying thanks, he will mail you a rare item from the snowman set.
PIM Rewards
When you buy things at Nook's shop, your PIM point total goes up. When you reach a specific point total, it will result in a new level of membership. Later Nook will send you a letter with a present congratulating you on reaching the new status.
Unlockable How to Unlock
Nook's Cranny Model Reach Membership Status (300 Points)
Nookington's Model / 20% Store Discount Earn 20,000 Store Points
Nookway Model / 10% Store Discount Earn 10,000 Store Points
Nook' n Go Model / 5% Store Discount Earn 3,000 Store Points
HRA Bonus Items
Once you have reached enough points, the HRA will send you a letter saying you have earned a prize, which is a model of your house.
Unlockable How to Unlock
One-Story Model Earn 70,000 points
Two-Story Model Earn 100,000 points
Mansion Model Earn 150,000 points
Animal Crossing WW Easter Eggs
Magic Rock
Hit all the rocks in town with either a shovel or an axe until you find one that releases a money bag when you do. Continue to hit it as many times as you can until it finally stops releasing bags of money. With every hit you do, the rock will release more gold. This can be done once a day.
Become friends with Sable
Whenever you enter the Able Sisters store and try to talk to Sable (the hedgehog sitting behind the sewing machine in the back left corner), she usually just ignores you, or tries to tell you talk to her sister because she's busy. To develop a "friendship" with Sable, you must talk to her at least once every day for a number of days. Eventually, she will start having conversations with you, and even thank you for stopping by.
Become friends with Brewster
Once a day you can buy coffee at the cafe'. At first he just gives you coffee and says "Thanks...” But If you buy some from him coffee every day he will start asking you questions, treating you like a friend, asking you if he can put special ingredients in your coffee, and thanking you for coming by.
Animal Crossing WW Secrets
How to change the background of your inventory.
1) Grab a shirt or pattern.
2) Drag it to the lower left corner.
3) It'll be over an invisible space, drop it.
Money Tree
Once you have the Golden Shovel, you can bury money and it will grow into a tree. The more money you bury the more money the tree will grow.
Hold 10 extra items
This is a really easy trick. Just buy 10 letters, leave them blank, than pull an item onto it so that it becomes a present. Tada, 10 extra slots.
10,000 bells for New Years
Change the date to Jan 1st, check your mail. Your mom should have sent you 10,000 bells.
How to Get a Perfect Town Rating
First, divide your town into 16 x 16 acre squares, similar to the acres in Animal Crossing for Game cube. You can use patterns on the ground to mark the acres. Next, make sure every acre has 12-14 trees that aren't touching each other. Then put 3 flowers in every acre and you should have a perfect rating. And of course make sure there are no weeds or trash in your town.
Get to Resetti's House
Restart to get Resstti at least 2 times. Then get a shovel and hit all the rocks in the town until one cracks hit it again and go in the hole. There you will find Mr. Resetti.
Magic Rock
Use your axe or shovel to hit all the rocks in town, until you come across a rock that gives you a money bag for each hit. By continually hitting the rock, the rock will release more and more
Tips
30,000 Bells

Dig out side of nook's shop, any where in that square. Plant 1,000 bells in the hole. Come back the next day and dig it out then go to an other part of the square and plant those 1,000 bells. After you dig that up, it’s 30,000 bells.
Back to the past
Before you start your game, go to the options; change it to one (or more) day(s) ahead. Play your game, get items do what ever you want. If you were upgrading Nook's place it will be open. Take what ever you need. Then set it back to normal time. Go back and you will have the items, Nook's will be open, and any cool items you already bought in the store will be on sale AGAIN

Bee Courageous!
You've done it before -- you've shaken a couple of trees to find some cash, and out comes a whole swarm of bees and they do a "remodeling" job on your face... painful. But did you know that you can actually catch the bees and make some money? It's a bit tricky as the bees move fast, but after you've shaken a tree and a bee's hive has fallen out, immediately switch to the butterfly net and turn towards the hive. Time it right and hit the button and you will catch a single bee, worth 4,500 bells. There are three swarms of bees hidden on the map every day, so you can make some big bells if you go bee hunting.
Changing Backgrounds on the menu
Remember how you could change the background with a shirt in the original AC? You can in this game except it's a little different. All you have to do is grab a shirt and drag it to the empty space in the left and you'll change the background. You can also put designs as a background too by using this same method.

Coconuts
Coconuts are one of the hardest fruits to grow. To make them grow better, you need to plant them near the beach.
Flowers!
After you plant flowers around your town, you'll be able to pick them up and place them in your house like an item. They'll actually look like a pot of flowers, not a bag. You can also pick them up and drag them onto the character icon and your character will have a flower in his/her mouth. Having the flower in your mouth however takes up the spot for any accessories you have on your character.

Friend Code
After you finish all of your tasks with Tom Nook, you are able to access Wi-Fi. To find your friend code, you need to talk to Copper. Select the WFC Connection option, and then ask him what your friend code is.
Get to Animal Crossing Island
Connect to the houses of 4 friends and give Tom Nook 50 fossils. You will get a whistle that calls Kapp’n. He will take you to Animal Crossing Island.
Green Day town tune
To get a tune that sounds like the beginning of Wake Me up When September Ends, go to the town hall and select town tunes, then put in:
F, F, A, F, F, A, No Note, No Note, F, F, A, F , F, A, C, G

Money Making Hints
How to make money:

Get a golden shovel and bury any amount of money to get a money tree, the higher amount of money buried the higher amount beared by the tree! The tree takes one week to mature

Fish while it's raining or snowing and you might catch the living fossil, try fishing in the ocean first, maybe even the pond.

Do every job you can for the locals, it makes them your friend which makes it more likely for them to ask you again and you can get some really cool furniture to sell or keep.

Don't talk to Lyle the insurance seller, it costs 3,000 bells and you only get 100 for every injury!

Try buying turnips from the old lady on Sundays and sell them for higher prices to tom nook, if you get good money, just "time travel" to go back and buy and sell constantly
WARNING: Time traveling will cause your town to be over-run by weeds if you neglect them!

Try making snow men and they will give you furniture which can sell for 8,888 bells a piece!
More for Your Fruit!
If you go into a different town you can sell your fruit for even more if that town doesn't normally sell that fruit.
Nookington's with hair salon!
Nook's Cranny expands just like in the GC version, into Nook 'n Go, Nookway, and eventually Nookington's, and with the final expansion comes the hair salon. You need to have spent 240,000 bells, and a visiting friend must have bought something from Nook to reach this stage
Switching beds
You can change the bed by pressing the A button and say yes when it asks you if you want to switch beds. Just choose a bed from the inventory and you'll switch beds.
Time Travel
You know when you start the game after you have quit for a bit: when you continue, then it shows the screen with your character? At the top of that screen is the telephone, tap that, and reset the clock to the day ahead. You basically time travel, and you can go through the game like that!

Anytime you finish anything interesting for the day, just "time travel" to the next day and keep playing.

Animal in Tree

Bang your shovel on a tree three times and a random animal from

Your town will fall out and have an embarrassed expression on their

Face.

animal crossing ds

i just got animal crossing ds the other day and its great after i played the one on game cube i was hook the best thing about the new one is i can take it where ever i want, so i dont have o be stuck in front of the tv for hours, other things i liked about it was the fact that four people can share the game at once,this make it a lot, better, this mean you dont have to fight over who get the best gyroids

a big thumbs up from me

Wonka's Soliloquy on the WonkaTania:

There's no earthly way of knowing
Which direction we are going
There's no knowing where we're rowing
Or which way the river's flowing
Is it raining?
Is it snowing?
Is a hurricane a-blowing?
Bleh!
Not a speck of light is showing
So the danger must be growing
Are the fires of hell a-glowing?
Is the grisly reaper mowing?
Yes! The danger must be growing
For the rowers keep on rowing
And they're certainly now showing
Any signs that they are slowing!

some new pictures i have made

these i made for a friend in the merr forum

new link in the side bar

the new link is for a game called n it is one of the best platform games made with flash i have ever played i hope you like and enjoy it

:)

sig's and avvies

here is a bunch of sigs avvies i have made in the theme of hellboy and a sig to

harry potter

i just finsihed watching the second movie, it was good, when harry potter firstcame out i rubished it, i thought it was a rip off of sevral storys but i was wrong im sorry to harry potter you truly are unquie

life is a funny game

well it is thats all i have to say, i bet you all thought that i was going to go on about what i think life is and what i done with my life, but fuck it im not getting into shit like that so there

that was fun and a complete waste of time

good day

Things to make the world a little bit more crazy

When someone asks you to do something, ask if they want that super-sized.

Run one lap around the office at top speed.

Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time).

Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!".

Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".

Walk sideways to the photocopier.

While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.

Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".

Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).

Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on and off 10 times.

For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".

Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".

After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

While a co-worker is out, move their chair into the elevator.

In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, PLEASE! All of you just shut up!".

At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again".

In a co-worker's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".

Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?".

Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".

Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it".

Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.

Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and donut, smash each donut with your fist.

During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.

Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

Play a tape of jungle sounds at work all day.

Send this website to everyone in your address book, even if they have sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.

At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Page yourself over the intercom (don't disguise your voice).

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors'.

Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think".

Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

Don't use any punctuation.

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Ask people what sex they are.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Sing along at the opera.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite sex).

Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.

Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

Call the psychic hotline and just say, "Guess".

Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, 'Rock Hard'.

When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week !!!"

When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do."

Every time you see a broom yell "Honey, your mother is here!"
Howard Daughters

From
http://funny2.com/insanity.htm

what a crud day at tafe

i cnt do my last two assessments because the network is not set up, and i think that they never will be i can beleave that this has happend, im getting sick of just sitting here and doing nothing,

what a boring day

im still trying to work out how i am going to get my new flat screen because i cant put up with the little monitor i have for long i cant do any art on it because it is to small, but i am greatful to my girl freinds dad for leting me use it.

god i really have no idea what im going to do now im sitting in class, bored out of my skull for something to do and i can even play neopets because of the stupid surf control that the stupid I.T. department has on the internet god they are lame, the net is going really slow to at the moment which is another problem all to gether, god i hate this tafe's I.T. people they suck

what else can i talk about, oh yeah my fav show was not on last night because of a 2 hour house special which was really just a repeat with extra bits put in about how the cast like the main actor what a joke, and i cant beleave that they keep replaying some of the shows they bring out, its just stupid, they think people really want to see the crap shows again, they really have to be kidding, fuck heads

it sucks i have a bit of a head ache and i have to go get some panadol but i really dont not want ot buy any more because i all ready have some at home, why cant they just give them to us man we pay fee's and shit assholes

omg my flatscreen died

i hate it when things go bung, i have to use this little monitor i was lent, but i am greatful for it, i just hope i can find a way to get a new one, i cant beleave that it only lasted a year what a crappy make i will never again buy a hp lcd, its not like i overused it to if i left the computer on i would turn the monitor off, oh well good buy to thee

R.I.P
hp 15" lcd
2004-2005
it did shine for a time

been working hard a tafe no time

sry i have had no time

this is whats going on behide closed doors

not much to tell

i have been rather busy of late, at tafe and moving house, most of the time i have just wanted to go to sleep, oh well thats life

i will be around more soon

yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

im back on adsl 12mbit

moving

i will not be around for a while seeing as i am moving in the next few weeks but when i get he net back i will be back im hope it will not be to long,

seeya in a little while

sideways matrix

0100100101001001010101010001101010010101010100010101010101010
1010101010101010101010010101010101010010101
101010101 01010101010101 0101010101010
10101010101010101 0101 101 10 101 10 101010101010101010101010
1101010101010111100101010101001010101010101010101010100101010100101
000010101010101010101010101010101010010101000001111101010
0011101101010100101010101010101010101010101010101
00010101010101100101010101010100110101010101
0100100101001001010101010001101010010101010100010101010101010
1010101010101010101010010101010101010010101
101010101 01010101010101 0101010101010
10101010101010101 0101 101 10 101 10 101010101010101010101010
1101010101010111100101010101001010101010101010101010100101010100101
000010101010101010101010101010101010010101000001111101010
0011101101010100101010101010101010101010101010101
00010101010101100101010101010100110101010101

news flash

NEWS FLASH!!! you should read my blog ('_') wahoo
zoom!!!!
kung fu fighting
woot
yes i have gone insane
monkey monkey monkey

happy birthday babe

happy birthday babe i love you
happy birthday babe i love you
happy birthday babe i love you
happy birthday babe i love you
happy birthday babe i love you
happy birthday babe i love you
happy birthday babe i love you
i love you heaps

my hell

Bill Gates
Circle I Limbo

Republicans
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

Democrats
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

Libertarians
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Bill Clinton
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

The Pope
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Osama bin Laden
Circle VII Burning Sands

Saddam Hussein
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

George Bush
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

my fortune

Your Fortune Is

Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.

The Wacky Fortune Cookie Generator

robot name

width="240" height="180"
alt="Transforming Robotic Individual Skilled in Thorough Assassination and Nullification"
border="0">

taken from
robot names

How Stupid Do They Think We Are?

How Stupid Do They Think We Are?

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial bath bar:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

On a frozen dinner package:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap box:
Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
Do not turn upside down (Printed on the bottom of the box)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging from a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On a bottle of Nytol (a sleeping aid):
Warning: May cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: Keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: Contains nuts.

On an American Airlines package of nuts:
Instructions: Open package, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

On a package of Sunmaid raisins:
Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?


taken from http://www.davesdaily.com/funpages/instructions-list.ht

send me a comment

write comments for this picture

Male Masturbation Synonyms

# A big date with Rosy Palms
# A date with Mrs. Palmer and her 5 slut daughters
# Adjusting the antenna
# Adjusting your set
# Answering the Bone-A-Phone
# Applying the hand brake
# Arguing with Henry Longfellow
# Arm-wrestling the purple-headed stormtrooper
# Asking for a second opinion (your second head)
# Assault on a friendly weapon
# Attacking the one-eyed purple-headed warrior
# Attending to the throb knob needs
# Auditioning the hand puppet
# Backstroke roulette
# Badgering the witness
# Baiting your hook
# Ball slappin' fun
# Bangin' your bacon
# Banging one out
# Banging the Cyclops
# Bashing the Bishop
# Bashing the candle
# Bashing the pear
# Basting the ham
# Batting practice
# Battling the purple-headed yogurt slinger
# Beatin' Bobby
# Beating Bob and the twins
# Beating Jack
# Beating off
# Beating the bait
# Beating the balloon
# Beating the balogna
# Beating the beagle
# Beating the bed flute
# Beating the Bishop
# Beating the dummy
# Beating the fuck out of your best friend
# Beating the goat
# Beating the old man
# Beating the pud
# Beating the shit out of your incapacitated midget
# Beating the snake
# Beating the snot outta Rotney
# Beating the snotty end of my fuck stick
# Beating the stick
# Beating your meat
# Beef-stroke-it-off
# Being a virtuoso of the skin flute
# Being rough with the sex stick
# Being your own best friend
# Belaboring the obvious
# Biffing off
# Bleeding the weed
# Blowing your load
# Blowing your own horn
# Bludgeoning the beefsteak
# Blue-ball buster
# Blueball baseball
# Bobbing your boloney
# Bonging your shlong
# Booting up the hard drive
# Boppin' your bologna
# Bopping Richard
# Bopping the baloney
# Bopping the bishop
# Bopping the Bonzo
# Bouncing the bunny
# Boxing Oscar
# Boxing Oscar in the closet
# Boxing the bald champ
# Boxing the clown
# Boxing the Jesuit
# Boxing the Jesuit and getting cockroaches
# Boxing the one-eyed clown
# Boxing the trouser mouse
# Boxing with Richard
# Breaking the fish tank
# Buckin' it
# Buffin' the bishop
# Buffing my wand
# Buffing the banana
# Buffing the rifle
# Buffing the wood
# Buffing your nuts
# Buggering your hand
# Bunning your hot dog
# Burning off a few calories
# Burping the baby
# Burping the worm
# Busting a nut
# Buttering your corn
# Calling all cum
# Calling down for more Mayo
# Calling in the National Guard to assist you in a strategic crisis
# Caning the vandal
# Caping the crusader
# Capturing the bishop
# Carrying weight
# Casting off
# Changing your oil
# Charming the cobra
# Charming the one-eyed trouser snake
# Charming the snake
# Cheap date
# Cheating on your other hand
# Checking for testicular cancer
# Checking the plumbing
# Cheesing off
# Chilling the dill
# Choking Charlie 'till he throws up
# Choking Kojak
# Choking the bald guy until he pukes
# Choking the chicken
# Choking the hog
# Choking the pirate
# Choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come
# Choking your chicken
# Choking yourself into emission
# Chopping down
# Chucking one in the sink
# Chucking the yogurt
# Churning your butter
# Civil War
# Clamping the pipe
# Cleaning out your rope
# Cleaning the pipes
# Cleaning the walls after an accident involving the Milk Man and the Cyclops
# Cleaning your rifle
# Clearing the snorkel
# Climbin' the tree
# Climbing Mount Baldy
# Climbing Mt. Barbell (for guys with pierced dicks)
# Climbing the corporate ladder
# Clobbering the bad guy
# Clobbering the Kleenex
# Closet Frisbee
# Clubbing Eddy
# Clubbing the baby seal
# Clubbing the clam
# Clubbing the dummy
# Coating Prince William Sound with love oil
# Cocking the rifle
# Collecting a specimen
# Coming into your own
# Coming to grips with the situation
# Coming to grips with yourself
# Committing mass spermicide
# Cooking the cream of cock
# Cooking with Wong
# Corralling the tadpoles
# Couch hockey for one
# Cracking one off
# Cracking the fat
# Crank yanking
# Cranking
# Cranking for cum
# Cranking one off
# Cranking the love pump
# Cranking the monkey
# Cranking the shank
# Crimping the wire
# Crowning the king
# Cuddlin' the Kielbasa
# Cuffing the carrot
# Cuffing the dummy
# Cuffing the puppy
# Custer's Last Stand
# Dancing round the maypole
# Dancing the two-fisted tango
# Dancing with Johnnie One-Eye
# Dating Miss Michigan (think geography)
# Dating Mother Palm and her five daughters
# Dating Rosie Palm and her five sisters
# Debugging the hard drive
# Decongesting the weasel
# Devil's Handshake (Catholic School)
# Dick whacking
# Diddle whacking
# Diddling
# Digging for change
# Digitally oscillating one's penis
# Discharging the heat-seeking moisture missile
# Disciplining the primate
# Disseminating
# Do the Dew
# Dogger Bank
# Doin' a loner with your boner
# Doin' the solitary rhumba
# Doing a hand job
# Doing an impression of Goofy
# Doing battle with the Purple-Helmeted Warrior of Love
# Doing handiwork
# Doing it your way
# Doing the five-knuckle shuffle
# Doing the hand jive
# Doing the hand-cooter
# Doing the human version of AUTOEXEC.BAT
# Doing the janitor thing
# Doing the knuckle shuffle on the ol' piss pump
# Doing the plotkin
# Doing the pork sword jiggle
# Doing the sin of Onan
# Doing the White Knuckler
# Doing your own thing
# Doodling your noodle
# Downing at the club (for members only)
# Downing the pitcher
# Draining the dragon
# Draining the lizard
# Draining the main vein
# Draining the monster
# Draining the one-eyed monster
# Draining the poisons from the building
# Draining the vats
# Draining the vein
# Dripping white-hot coconuts from the veiny palm tree of lust
# Driving the skin bus
# Droppin' a wad of hot wax
# Dropping a line
# Dropping stomach pancakes
# Dropping the kids off at the pool
# Dry humping the ottoman
# Duking the Bishop
# Dundering the devil-dolphin
# Electing the president
# Emptying your sex pistol
# Engaging in safe sex
# Erupting Ol' Faithful
# Escorting the one-eyed postal worker out of his denim cell
# Evicting the testicular squatters
# Falling in love with your right hand
# Faxing Jimmy Dean
# Faxing the Pope
# Feeding the chooks
# Feeding the ducks
# Fetching milk
# Filling Charlie's magic sock
# Finding yourself
# Firing the flesh musket
# Firing the love rifle
# Firing the presidential staff
# Firing the Surgeon General
# Firming your worm
# Fishing for the two-toned trouser trout
# Fishing for zipper trout
# Fist fucking
# Fisting your mister
# Five against one
# Five knuckle Olympics
# Five on one
# Five-Digit Shuffle
# Five-finger discount
# Five-finger solo
# Five-knuckle chuckle
# Five-knuckle-shuffle on the old piss pump
# Fixing the toilet
# Flapping Takkie (South African)
# Flaying the Emperor
# Flick on over the thumb
# Flicking the bic
# Flipping the Bishop
# Floggin' the log
# Flogging the Bishop
# Flogging the dog
# Flogging the dolphin
# Flogging the dong
# Flogging the frog
# Flogging the General
# Flogging the hog
# Flogging the log
# Flogging the mule
# Flogging the salami
# Flogging your dong
# Flogging your dumber brother
# Flogging your log
# Flogging your stob
# Fluffing the pillow
# Flute solo
# Fly fishing
# Flying a kite
# Following my bliss
# Fondling the fig
# Fondling the fisherman
# Fondling the fountain
# Fooling with your tool
# Foreplay with Fistina
# Four-knuckle shuffle (for those who lost a finger in 'Nam)
# Freeing the hostages
# Freeing the Willies
# Freeing Willy
# Freeing your dick fish into the gene pool
# Frigging the love muscle (British)
# Friggit
# Frosting the pastries
# Fucking a pillow
# Fucking Mrs. Fist, the five-fingered widow
# Fun with friction
# Galloping the antelope
# Galloping the old lizard
# Ganging the plank
# Ganking
# Getting' your oil checked
# Gettin' jizzy with it
# Getting a date with Slick Mittens
# Getting a grip on things
# Getting a load off my mind
# Getting a milk mustache
# Getting a stiffy
# Getting busy
# Getting chafed
# Getting in touch with your manhood
# Getting in touch with yourself
# Getting off
# Getting tennis elbow
# Getting the dirty water off your chest
# Getting the German soldier marching
# Getting the glue stick
# Getting to know Miss Michigan
# Getting to know yourself
# Getting to know yourself personally in the "biblical sense"
# Getting your caps peeled
# Getting your exercise
# Getting your palm read by Mister Softee
# Getting your palm red
# Getting your pole varnished
# Givin' the one-eyed field mouse with the purple turtle-neck sweater a hot-butter nuggie
# Giving it a good once over
# Giving it a tug
# Giving Ms. Palm and and her five sisters a ride on the meat train
# Giving the John Hancock
# Giving the pink Mustang a lube job
# Giving the pink Mustang a spit shine
# Giving the seamen shore leave
# Giving your employee a raise
# Giving yourself a dishonorable discharge
# Giving yourself a hand
# Giving yourself a happy ending
# Giving yourself a helping hand
# Giving yourself a low five
# Glazing the donut
# Gluing the lady's eye's shut
# Going a couple of rounds with ol' Josh
# Going blind
# Going for the gold
# Going into battle with the purple-helmeted warrior
# Going on a date with Handrea and Palmela
# Going on a date with Rosey Palm and the five daughters
# Going on Peewee's little adventure
# Going steady with my bouncing Betty
# Going the blow
# Going to the basement
# Grappling the gorilla
# Greasin' up my love monkey
# Greasing the axle
# Greasing the flagpole
# Greasing the monkey
# Greasing the pipe
# Greasing your bone
# Gripping the pencil
# Hacking the hog
# Han Solo
# Hand job
# Hand Shandy
# Hand Solo
# Hand-starting the one-eyed yogurt thrower
# Hand work
# Hand-to-gland combat
# Handling heavy equipment
# Handling the hound
# Hands-on training
# Handy work
# Hanging out with Peter Tork
# Hanging the old man
# Hard labor
# Harping on Happy Harry Hard-on
# Hatchin' a batch
# Having a ball
# Having a Barclays Bank
# Having a bat
# Having a chuff
# Having a conversation with the one-eyed trouser snake
# Having a date with Fisty Palmer
# Having a date with Mrs. Thumb and her 4 daughters
# Having a date with Rosie Palm and her five sisters
# Having a ham shank
# Having a J. Arthur (British special, after J. Arthur Rank, it's rhyming slang)
# Having a one-night-stand with yourself
# Having a play date with your little friend
# Having a puppet show in your pants
# Having a Roy (Australian)
# Having a Sherman (British)
# Having a staff meeting
# Having a tommy tank
# Having a tug
# Having a tug-of-war with the cyclops
# Having an arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel
# Having dinner
# Having group sex with five friends
# Having it off
# Having one off the wrist
# Having sex with someone you love
# Heaving the heathen handhold
# Helping Mr. Happy
# Hitchhiking to heaven
# Hitchhiking under the Big Top
# Hitching to heaven
# Hitting the ham
# Hitting the sack
# Hitting the speedbump
# Hoisting the flag
# Holding all the cards
# Holding my own
# Holding the sausage hostage
# Honing the cone
# Honing your bone
# Honking the bobo
# Huffing on the hoagie
# Hugging the hog
# Hugging the sausage
# Humpin' air
# Humping your fist
# Humping your hose
# In the hand
# Irking the dude
# Ironing some wrinkles
# J. Arthur Rank (British rhyming slang - wank)
# Jack hammering
# Jackin'
# Jackin' the Beanstalk
# Jackin' your meat
# Jacking off
# Jacking up the hot rod
# Jag off
# Jammin' your jimmy
# Jazzing yourself
# Jelly roll
# Jenny Mccarthy Jaunt
# Jerkin' the gherkin
# Jerkin' the joystick
# Jerkin' your beef
# Jerking Jamby
# Jerking off
# Jerking the Johnson
# Jerking the turkey
# Jerking yanking daisy-chaining
# Jiggling the jewelry
# Jiggling your Johnson
# Jimmying your Joey
# Jizzlobbing
# Jogging the lizard
# Joining the Navy
# Joshing it
# Juice the Moose
# Juicing the jizz monster
# Jumping the jock
# Just combing my hair
# Just jerkin' it
# Keeping the Optometrists in business
# Kicking seamen
# Kicking your roommate out for five to ten minutes to "call your parents"
# Killing it
# Killing the Beast
# Killing the bird on punches
# Kneading my knockwurst
# Kneeding the bread
# Knockin' over the weeble
# Knocking one off
# Knocking the top off
# Knuckle nobbing
# Knuckle Shuffle on the ol' piss pump
# Knuckling the bone
# Launching the hand shuttle
# Launching the morning missile
# Launching the rocket
# Laying the smack down on yourself
# Leakin' the main drain
# Letting out the bulimic one-eyed monster
# Lighting the lava lamp
# Living it up
# Looking for ticks
# Loping the mule
# Love's labors lost
# Loving the lizard
# Loving the muppet
# Lubing the tube
# Make like Hans Solo and stroke your wookie
# Makin' moonshine
# Making a fist sandwich
# Making a foreskin cone
# Making a knuckle hot dog
# Making free hand lotion
# Making friends with Big Ed
# Making instant pudding
# Making nut butter
# Making soup for one
# Making special sauce with frank and beans
# Making the bald guy puke
# Making the Cyclops cry
# Making the cyclops do chin-ups 'til he throws up
# Making the llama spit
# Making the piggy squeal
# Making the scene with the magazine
# Making vanilla jism shakes
# Making with the tadpoles
# Making yogurt
# Making yourself at home
# Mangling the midget
# Manhandling the manhood
# Manhandling your man-handle
# Manipulating the mango
# Manning the cockpit
# Manual labor
# Manual override
# Masonic secret self handshake
# Massaging Mr. Ho-Ho
# Massaging the mink
# Massaging your muscle
# Massaging your purple-headed warrior
# Master bacon
# Measuring for condoms
# Medical wankorama
# Medieval folk dancing
# Meeting Mary Palm and her five sisters
# Meeting Rosie Hancock
# Meeting with Mother Thumb and her four daughters
# Meeting with Palmala Handerson
# Meeting your kids
# Milking one's self
# Milking the bull
# Milking the cow
# Milking the lizard
# Milking the monkey
# Milking the moose
# Milking the mule
# Milking the muscle
# Milking the weasel
# Milking your wood
# Milkywaying
# Million sperm march
# Minding my own business
# Moisturizing your hands with your beauty bar
# Molesting the mole
# Moulding hot plastic
# Mounting a corporal and four
# Much goo about nothing
# My sex life!
# Nerking your throbber
# Oiling the baseball bat
# Oiling the glove
# Oiling the mighty dick hinge
# Oiling the pogo stick
# Onan's Olympics
# Onanism
# One gun salute
# One hand clapping
# One handed shim sham
# One man show
# One off the wrist
# One stop shopping
# One-armed skiing
# One-handed workout
# One-man orgy
# One-man ring toss
# One-man show
# One-man tug-o-war
# Opening up a bottle of Squirt
# Organ solo
# Packing your palm
# Paddling the pickle
# Painting the ceiling
# Painting the pickle
# Painting the walls
# Painting your pants
# Palming the calm
# Pam Anderson Polka
# Pasting pages
# Pat the Robertson
# Pattin' the puppy
# Pedal and crank
# Pee Wee pleaser
# Peeing children
# Peeling some chilis
# Peeling the banana
# Peeling the carrot
# Performing a self-test
# Performing diagnostics on your ManTool
# Perling the oyster
# Petting the lizard
# Petting the puppy
# Petting the python
# Petting your animal
# Petting your dog
# Phoning the czar
# Pipping the pumpkin
# Playin' the bone-a-thon
# Playin' with hardballs
# Playin' with yourself
# Playing a little five-on-one
# Playing a one-stringed guitar
# Playing Billy Squier on the skin flute
# Playing five card draw with a handful of jacks
# Playing five card stud
# Playing in a one-man show
# Playing miniature golf
# Playing paintball with white paint
# Playing Peek-A-Boo with Mr. Johnson
# Playing peekaboo
# Playing peekaboo with Darth Vader
# Playing ping pong with your ding dong
# Playing pocket pinball
# Playing pocket polo with Agent Johnson
# Playing pocket pool
# Playing tag with the pink torpedo
# Playing the crotch trombone
# Playing the flesh flute
# Playing the male organ
# Playing the one-handed air guitar
# Playing the one-stringed melody
# Playing the organ
# Playing the piss pipe
# Playing the pisser
# Playing the skin flute
# Playing the solo symphony
# Playing the stand-up organ
# Playing tug-o-war with the cyclops
# Playing tug-o-war with the staked vampire 'til he flames up
# Playing Uno
# Playing with dick
# Playing with my little brother Peter
# Playing with Susi Palmer and her five friends
# Playing with the pogo stick
# Playing with the snake
# Playing with the spitting llama
# Playing with Yoosef
# Playing with your bird
# Playing with your noodle
# Playing with your turtle (for uncircumcised guys?)
# Playing with yourself
# Playing Yahtzee
# Playing your instrument
# Pleasing your pisser
# Pleasure pumping
# Plunking your twanger
# Poaching the salmon
# Pocket billiards
# Pocket pinball
# Pocket pool
# Poking palm
# Pole vaulting
# Polishing Percy in your palm
# Polishing the bayonet
# Polishing the beak
# Polishing the cane
# Polishing the chrome dome
# Polishing the family jewels
# Polishing the fire pole
# Polishing the helmet
# Polishing the hot rod
# Polishing the knob
# Polishing the Lighthouse
# Polishing the pink Mustang
# Polishing the Pope
# Polishing the purple people pleaser
# Polishing the rocket
# Polishing the rocking horse
# Polishing the rod
# Polishing the sword
# Polishing your bayonet
# Polishing your helmet
# Polishing your piece
# Popping a nut
# Popping the blister
# Popping the bone
# Popping the cork
# Popping the porpoise
# Popping the purple pimple
# Popping your top
# Pounding off
# Pounding the bald-headed moose
# Pounding the pud
# Pounding your flounder
# Pounding your piss pump
# Pounding your pud
# Pouring off the potatoes
# Practicing for the big game
# Praising God
# Preparing the carrot
# Priming the pump
# Pud wrestling
# Puddin'
# Pudwhacking
# Pullin' a few rounds
# Pulling off
# Pulling pud
# Pulling rank
# Pulling the blue-veined custard chucker
# Pulling the blue-veined junket pumper
# Pulling the bologna pony
# Pulling the carrot
# Pulling the Colonel Sanders Heimleich Manuever
# Pulling the cord
# Pulling the five-knuckle shuffle
# Pulling the goalie
# Pulling the handbrake
# Pulling the piss pump
# Pulling the pole
# Pulling the Pope
# Pulling the pork stick
# Pulling the root
# Pulling the rope
# Pulling the single serving soup dispenser
# Pulling the weed
# Pulling the wire
# Pulling your goalie
# Pulling your love muscle
# Pulling your own leg
# Pulling your plonker
# Pulling your power cord
# Pulling your prick
# Pulling your pud
# Pulling your taffy
# Pulling your wire
# Pummeling the priest
# Pumpin' the poodle
# Pumping cream
# Pumping for pleasure
# Pumping for power
# Pumping gas at the self-service island
# Pumping iron
# Pumping the electric goo gun
# Pumping the porpoise
# Pumping the python
# Pumping the soft soap dispenser
# Pumping the stump
# Punchin' the clown
# Punchin' the midget
# Punchin' the munchkin
# Punching the clown
# Punching the munchkin
# Punching the possum
# Punching the stepson
# Punching yourself in the crotch
# Punishing Percy
# Punishing Percy with the palm
# Punishing the Bishop
# Punishing the Pope
# Puttin' the tie on
# Qualifying in the testicular time trial
# Raising Stonehenge
# Raising the flag pole
# Raising the mainsail
# Raising your sail
# Ramming the ham
# Rapid delivery
# Rapid one arm pull-ups
# Reading poetry
# Releasing the Olympic Doves
# Relieving tension
# Reverse osmosis
# Riding the Great White Knuckler
# Riding the lightning
# Ringing the rag
# Rippin' the rocket
# Rocket piloting
# Rockin' the rooster
# Rolling the fleshy blunt
# Rolling your own
# Roman helmet rhumba
# Romancing the bone
# Romeo and Himself
# Rootin' for the Yankees
# Ropin' the long horn
# Roping the pony
# Roping the Pope
# Roughing the passer
# Roughing up the suspect
# Rounding up the tadpoles
# Rubbing off
# Rubbing one out
# Rubbing the Buddha for good luck
# Rubbing the magic one-eyed wonder weasel
# Rubbing the pink eraser
# Rubbing the rod
# Rubbing the unicorn's horn
# Running in single-user mode
# Running off a batch by hand
# Running the cheeta
# Sacrificing sperm to the god of lonely nights
# Safest sex
# Salting your nuts in the shell
# Sanding the obelisk
# Sanding wood
# Saying a private prayer in the Church of the First Holy Monkey
# Saying hello to Mr. Winkie
# Scalpin' the injun
# Schnauzer Shuffleboard
# Scouring the tower of power
# Scraping your carrot
# Scraping your horn
# Scratchin' the itch
# Scratching the cat pole
# Screwing your girlfriend Handgella
# Scromping the camper
# Seamen reporting for duty on the skin boat
# Seasonin' your meat
# Secret handshake
# Seeding the carpet
# Self abuse
# Self catering
# Self love
# Self-induced penile regurgitation
# Self-inflicted intercourse
# Sending a boy to the Academy
# Sending out the troops
# Sending yourself a hand-job-o-gram
# Sex with someone you really love
# Shagging
# Shakin' hands with Little Richard
# Shakin' the snot off your frog
# Shaking coconuts from the love tree
# Shaking hands with Abe Lincoln
# Shaking hands with beef
# Shaking hands with Jack McNasty
# Shaking hands with Johnson
# Shaking hands with Mr. Happy
# Shaking Hands with Mr. President
# Shaking hands with Shorty
# Shaking hands with the boss
# Shaking hands with the general
# Shaking hands with the goblin of love
# Shaking hands with the Governor
# Shaking hands with the midget
# Shaking hands with the one-eyed trouser trout
# Shaking hands with the President
# Shaking hands with the unemployed
# Shaking hands with your John Thomas
# Shaking hands with your wife's best friend
# Shaking hands with Yul Brenner
# Shaking the bottle
# Shaking the coconut milk of love from the leafless palm trunk
# Shaking the dice
# Shaking the hand of the self-employed
# Shaking the sauce
# Shaking the sausage
# Shaking the snake
# Shaking the sugar tree
# Shaking the white-out pen
# Shanking
# Sharpening your pencil
# Shavin' the carrot
# Shellacking the shellaleigh
# Shemping the hog
# Shifting gears
# Shifting to fifth gear with the pork spear
# Shining the helmet
# Shining the pork sword
# Shining the shaft
# Shining the shank
# Shining your pole
# Shootin' your splouge
# Shooting Cupid's arrow
# Shooting enemies
# Shooting flies
# Shooting for the moon
# Shooting for the stars
# Shooting putty at the moon
# Shooting Sherman
# Shooting skeet (pull...shoot)
# Shooting tadpoles at the moon
# Shooting the pump action porridge gun
# Shooting the sherbert
# Shooting to score
# Shooting your wad
# Shuckin' Bubba
# Shucking the corn
# Simple infanticide
# Singing with Donny Osmond
# Skipping rope
# Slaking the bacon
# Slammin' the salami
# Slamming the ham
# Slamming the hammer
# Slamming the salmon
# Slamming the spam
# Slamming the sump-pump
# Slap-Boxing the One-Eyed Champ
# Slappin' the purple-headed yogurt pistol
# Slappin' Pappy
# Slapping high fives with Yul Brynner
# Slapping it
# Slapping my happy sacks
# Slapping the big-nosed Rasta man
# Slapping the carrot
# Slapping the clown
# Slapping the Cyclops
# Slapping the donkey
# Slapping the FleshGopher
# Slapping the meat
# Slapping the pud
# Slapping the salami
# Slapping your chub
# Slaying the beast
# Slaying the dragon
# Sleeping
# Slicking the stick
# Slinging jelly
# Slinging the jelly
# Sloppy Joe's last stand
# Sloppy sign language
# Smackin' Isaiah
# Smacking Bob around
# Smacking the monkey
# Smacking the oompa loompa
# Smacking the salami
# Smacking the weasel
# Smacking the yak 'til it spits back
# Smacking your sister
# Smacking-off
# Smoking the bratworst
# Snappin' off a batch
# Snapping one off
# Snapping the carrot
# Snapping the monkey
# Snapping the radish
# Snapping the rubber
# Snapping the whip
# Snapping your carrot
# Solo flight
# Solo marathon
# Solo sex
# Solo spurting
# Soup of the day
# Spackling the ceiling
# Spanking Cheetah
# Spanking Elvis
# Spanking Frank
# Spanking the bishop
# Spanking the frank
# Spanking the monkey
# Spanking the plank
# Spanking the salami
# Spanking the wank
# Spanking up a batch
# Speaking into the microphone
# Spear chucking
# Spearing the Spartans
# Spending some quality time with yourself
# Spermin' Herman the one-eyed German
# Spewing your load
# Spilling my children on my belly
# Spit-polishing the purple helmet
# Spitting up
# Splashing one out
# Spluging
# Spreading the mayo
# Spunking
# Spunking the Monk
# Spurtin' Bert
# Squashing the sea monkey
# Squeezing the burrito
# Squeezing the Charmin
# Squeezing the cheese
# Squeezing the cream from the flesh Twinkie
# Squeezing the glue
# Squeezing the juice
# Squeezing the lemon
# Squeezing the snake with the turtleneck sweater
# Squeezing the tube of toothpaste
# Squeezing the weasel
# Squeezing your cheese-dog
# Squirting off your load in the school bathroom
# Squishing the fish
# Staff meeting
# Stall clapping
# Starting the day off right
# Stirring the batter
# Stirring the soup
# Stirring the yogurt
# Stoking the fire
# Strainin' the main vein
# Strangling Kojak
# Strangling the hog
# Strangling the one-eyed trouser snake
# Strangling the Serpent
# Stress relief for a personal appendage
# Stretching the limo
# Stretching the turtle neck
# Striking the pink match
# Striking your match
# Stripping the bark off your wood
# Stroke 'til you spew
# Strokin'
# Strokin' the mule
# Strokin' the sausage
# Stroking it
# Stroking off
# Stroking the balony pony
# Stroking the dog
# Stroking the lizard
# Stroking the mole
# Stroking the one-eyed burping gecko
# Stroking the salami
# Stroking the satin-headed serpent
# Stroking the snake
# Stroking the squirmin' German
# Stroking the stallion
# Stroking the wiener
# Stroking your goat
# Stroking your poker
# Stroking your pud
# Stroking your twinkie
# Stromming the Thurmond
# Strummin' my six inch
# Studying for a math test
# Sucker-punching the blind webster
# Swickin' it
# Swinging the jump rope
# Swinging the light saber
# Swinging the purple-veined kidney stabber
# Swinging the royal red reproduction rod
# Tagging off
# Takin' the bunt sign
# Taking a five minute vacation south of the border
# Taking a nap
# Taking a shake break
# Taking Captain Picard to Warp-Speed
# Taking care of business
# Taking control of yourself
# Taking Herman to the circus
# Taking little Elvis to Graceland
# Taking matters into your own hands
# Taking ol' one eye through the fly
# Taking ol' one eye to the Knuckle Shuffle
# Taking part in population control
# Taking some time off
# Taking the dog for a walk
# Taking the Jocelyn Elders Midterm
# Taking the monster for a one-armed ride
# Taking the sperm whale for a walk
# Taking your turn at the self-serve pump
# Talking quietly to yourself
# Talking turkey
# Taming the shrew
# Taming the wild hog
# Tamping your tater
# Tapping the turkey
# Target practice
# Target practice with the yogurt gun
# Target practicing with white ammo
# Taunting the one-eyed weasel
# Teaching a one-eyed Chinaman how to dance
# Teaching him a lesson
# Teaching your kids to swim
# Teasing the purple-headed custard chucker
# Teasing the python
# Teasing the Viking
# Teasing the weasel
# Teasing the weenie
# Teeing off
# Tenderizing the tube steak
# Tenderizing your meat
# Test-firing the meat missle
# Testicular tensile strength test
# Testing the hand cream dispenser
# Testing the testicles
# Testing your batteries
# That crazy hand jive
# The art of Unisex
# The Colonel Sanders Heimleich Maneuver
# The five digit disco
# The five-knuckle shuffle on the old piss pipe
# The five-finger hustle with Russel the one-eyed love muscle
# The serta solo
# The sticky page rhumba
# Thrapping
# Thrashing the weasel
# Threading a needle
# Throbbing the knob
# Throwin' down
# Throwing
# Throwing a shower
# Throwing off a batch
# Throwing one
# Throwing the hamster against the wall
# Throwing up mayo
# Thumping the pump
# Thumping your pud
# Thwackin' the sack
# Tickle the Elmo
# Ticklewigglejigglepickle
# Tickling my fancy
# Tickling the dragon's tail
# Tickling the ivory
# Tickling the one-eyed weasel
# Tickling the pickle
# Tickling the Polish salmon
# Toilet sailing
# Tonking
# Torkin' the fork
# Torqueing the turtle
# Torturing the tentacle
# Tossing off
# Tossing the boss
# Tossing the salad
# Tossing the sauce
# Tossing the snag
# Tossing the spam javelin
# Tossing the turkey
# Tossing the white ball
# Tossing yogurt
# Touching the penis
# Treating yourself right
# Trolling for the one-eyed walleye
# Trolling for trouser trout
# Trouser snake CPR
# Trouser trout dancing lesson
# Tube sock tango
# Tug of war with Cyclops
# Tuggin' the timber
# Tugging Mount Love
# Tugging old beater
# Tugging the rope
# Tugging the slug
# Tugging the tapioca tube
# Tugging the tossle
# Tugging the turkey
# Tugging your tubesteak
# Tuning my horn
# Tuning the antenna
# Tuning your organ
# Turning Japanese (UK - one step beyond wanking)
# Turning on your fire hose
# Tussle with your muscle
# Tussling the Muscle
# Twanging the wire
# Tweaking your twinkie
# Twisting your crank
# Twisting your tool
# Typing with one hand
# Uncorking the bottle
# Underarm javelin in the meat olympics
# Unloading
# Unloading the gun
# Unmasking Darth Vader
# Unsheathing the pork sword
# Unwrapping the pepperoni
# Using the Force on Darth Vader
# Using the force on your meat saber
# Using the ol' 1 wood
# Varnishing the cane
# Varnishing the flagpole
# Vibrating the viper and making him spit poison
# Violating the hedge-hog
# Visiting Old Faithful
# Visiting Rosy Palm and her five daughters
# Visiting the five-fingered widow
# Wacking a lap
# Wacking off
# Wacking the one-eyed worm
# Wacking the paddle
# Wacking the weasel
# Wacking the weiner
# Wacking the willie
# Wagging the dog
# Wailing
# Wakey wakey hands off snakey
# Waking the dead
# Waking Wee Willie Winkle
# Walking the dog
# Walking the plank
# Walking the snake
# Walking Wally the one-eyed wonder worm
# Waltzing with Willy
# Wank
# Wank-o-rama
# Wanking
# Wanking off
# Wanking with the one-eyed wonder weasel
# Warming up the altar boy's dinner
# Washing the elephant's trunk
# Washing the meat
# Washing the wolverine
# Wasting your wad
# Watching the geyser
# Waving the Magic Wand
# Waxing pedro
# Waxing the beanpole
# Waxing the car
# Waxing the carrot
# Waxing the dolphin
# Waxing the flipper
# Waxing the old goal post
# Waxing the rocket
# Waxing your Jackson
# Waxing your surfboard
# Waxing your weasel
# Waxing your Willy
# Whackin' the weasel
# Whacking it
# Whacking off
# Whacking the axe
# Whacking Willy
# Whacking your tack
# Whippin' the whopper
# Whipping off
# Whipping skippy
# Whipping the balls
# Whipping the bishop
# Whipping the dummy
# Whipping the one-eyed trouser snake
# Whipping the one-eyed wonder weasel
# Whipping the pony
# Whipping the rat
# Whipping the stiff
# Whipping the walrus
# Whipping the window washer
# Whipping the wire
# Whipping up a batch
# Whipping up some sour cream
# Whipping Willy the one-eyed wonder-worm
# Whipping your dripper
# White-water wristing
# Whitewashing
# Whittling the stick
# Whizzin' jism
# Whomping the walrus
# Wiggling your worm
# Winding my watch
# Winding the Jack in the Box
# Windsurfing on Mount Baldy
# Wonking your conker
# Wonking your donk
# Workin' out a stiff joint
# Working a cramp out of your muscle
# Working off
# Working off a batch
# Working overtime at the meat factory
# Working up a batch
# Working your Willy
# Wrapping my hand around my cock and blowing a load all over my mother
# Wrestling the alligator
# Wrestling the eel
# Wrestling the gator
# Wrestling the one-eyed monster
# Wrestling the purple-headed warrior
# Wrestling with Jimmy
# Wrestling with the bald champ
# Wrestling with the one-eyed superhero
# Wringing out your rope
# Wringing the weasel
# Wringing your thing
# Wringing your weasel
# Wrist aerobics
# Yahtzee
# Yank my Doodle (It's a Dandy)
# Yankin' it
# Yankin' your chain
# Yankin' your Franklin
# Yanking off
# Yanking the crank
# Yanking the doodle
# Yanking the yoyo
# Yanking your chain
# Yanking your crank
# Yanking your plank
# Yanking your Yoda
# Yogurt slinging
# Zipper Olympics
# Zygote spraying

thisis me before i got nailed buy a balrog

crotin angry

here's my little guy cracking a smile

here is my maplestory guy smashing the crap out of some air

If Operating Systems Were Beers ...

DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer:
At first, came only in a 16-oz can, but now comes in a 32-oz can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz can that looks a lot like Mac Beer. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer:
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer:
The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 eer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes ost people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. rinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared lashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer:
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that it is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

i had such a shit day today

but fuck it
heres a picture of some tits

Jabberwocky (just a bit of history)

Jabberwocky
Lewis Carroll (Charles Lutwidge Dodgson)

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought--
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One two! One two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"
He chortled in his joy.

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

i have just put a new link

NEW GAME NEWS!!!!!!
this link is for the game maple story it is an online rpg game that is well worth you playing, it is very detailed on the same line as a lot of the old super nes games but you can play online with loads of other people

i'll give it 9 out of 10

give it a blast

here is a screen shot

NEW GAME NEWS!!!!!!

Steven Wright Jokes

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...

So then I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now everything in my house is shiny.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing...

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... [slow glance upward]

This is my impression of a bowling ball...[drags the mike along the floor, then lifts it]...gutter...

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...

I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn't do anything...so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just flick that switch up and down...up and down...up and down....Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany...it just said, "Cut it out."

I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.."

"My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old."

"I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once. He was fun when he was a puppy. I named him Stay. When I'd call him I'd say C'mere Stay C'mere Stay and he'd go like this..(FILL IN THE MOVEMENT YOURSELF). He's a lot smarter than that now. Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing."

"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."

"I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot."

"I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'."

"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

"I lost a button hole today."

"I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child."

"I met her at Macy's. She was shopping... I was putting Slinky's on the escalator."

"When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...... I was an only child........ eventually....."

"Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears... I think George is weird, because he has false teeth... with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk."

"Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head."

"Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo... He got pretty good... He could go under a rug..."

"All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store..."

"Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving... every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip........... I don't remember what it was..."

"He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? ... He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in..."

"I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had to buy them again..."

"One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building... I turned it... and the whole building started up.... So I drove it around.... A policeman stopped me for going too fast... He said, 'Where do you live?'... I said, 'Right here'... Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway."

"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."

"I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said 'Stephen, why haven't you called me."... I said, "I can't call everyone I want... my (new) phone has no 'five' on it."... He said, "How long have you had it?"... I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no 'seven's on it."

"I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile."

"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"

"I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes..."

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the prescription for my eye-glasses ran out ....

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there.

I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!

Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said "the whole time".

One time the power went out in my house, I had no lights. Fortunately my camera had a flash. I went to make a peanut butter sandwich and took 60 pictures of my kitchen. My neighbors called the police. They thought it was lightning in my house.

What's another word for thesaurus?

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep" I said "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.

I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.

I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes...

I was going to commit suicide the other day. I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.

I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long.

I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles an hour.

Today I...........No, that wasn't me.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'

Four years ago..............no, it was yesterday.

I've writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash...I took 65 pictures of myself making a sandwich...My neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the copy looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, 'Here, you can go.'

I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.

I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.

I'm so tired...I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier, they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees today," and I said "Oops."

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building--on the ledge....Some people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.

I went fishing with a dotted line...I caught every other fish.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

In my house, on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.

I have a friend who's a billionaire. He invented Cliff notes. When I asked him how he got such a great idea, he said, "Well first I.....I just....to make a long story short..."

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...boy, were they mad!!

(Ad he did for a local student radio station:) Whenever I'm in Champaign, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and when I'm out of town, they mail it to me...

Today I dialed a wrong number....The other side said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They said," Uh, I don't think so...He's only two months old." I said, "I'll wait..."

I have a friend name Dennis. Both his parents are midgets, but not Dennis. He's a midget dwarf. He's the guy who poses for trophies.

I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it...I got my roommate and showed him. I said, "Look at this--everything's been replaced with an exact replica!" He said, "Do I know you?"

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell...except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...

You can't have everything...Where would you put it?

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl...I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys...by the way, my name is Dennis." I said, "Hello, Dennis. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend...It's called 'They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.'

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...

I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me. I pushed '1' and he just stood there...I said, "Hi, where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So, I pushed 'Phoenix'. A few seconds later, the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in...we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?"...The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?" I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank...It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money." I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon...and I would appreciate it if you never called me again."

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...

Right now I'm having vu ja de--deja vu and amnesia at the same time.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...

I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice ...

I like to reminisce with people I don't know ...

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit ...

And when I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the street, except the little kids, I out and lift my house up over my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

The other day I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Sometimes I...No, I don't.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it...

monkeys for all

what a boring class

we are doing this database thing, im up with the work but i dont really understand what is going on with is
boring as shit!!!!!!!!!

trivia

The average person wears a pair of pants for 22.6 months before getting rid of them.

Kite flying is a professional sport in Thailand.

About one out of four injuries by athletes involve the wrist and hand.

The San Francisco cable cars are the only mobile national monuments.

When cooking at home, Americans are more likely to cook spaghetti with meat sauce than any other dish.

The world's cleanest air is in Tasmania.

Over the course of their lifetime, the average person will own 11 pieces of luggage.

During the 1830s, the Taj Mahal was scheduled to be torn down.

The average sink contains 3.2 unwashed dishes.

Twenty-two African-Americans received the Medal of Honor during the Civil war.

The world's chickens lay around 400,000,000,000 eggs each year.

The great European cathedrals are so solidly built that there is sometimes as much stone below ground as above it.

Leonardo da Vinci invented an alarm clock that woke the sleeper by gently rubbing their feet.

Popeye is 34 years old and weighs 158 pounds.

In Latin, the word "pencil" means "little tail."

A rattling noise in a car engine indicate 19 different mechanical problems.

The male northern fur seal can have as many as 100 mates per season.

Sunbeams that shine down through the clouds are called "crepuscular" rays.

The common mousetrap was invented by the same guy who invented the machine gun—Hiram Maxim.

The Eiffel Tower weighs approximately 9,441 tons.

THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

Push your eyes for interesting light show
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes)
See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out things your subconscious is trying to send you a message? Can you control what you see by pressing different areas with different forces? Would it be possible to somehow see the same effects on TV?

See how long you can hold your breath
(Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes)
Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and stay as still as possible. My personal best is 2:00 (exactly).

Try to not think about polar bears
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes)
This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about polar bears anyway.

Scratch yourself
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn't that feel pretty good?

Repeat the same word over and over until it loses its meaning
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
Pick a random word out of a magazine and say it aloud to yourself until it becomes a meaningless set of noises.

Hurt yourself
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There's nothing physical about it - it's all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.

Try to swallow your tongue
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
There's not much to say about this one. It is possible.

Pretend to be a car
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
Make appropriate revving noises in your head as you walk along and add a racing commentary as you pass strangers in the street. Use blinking eyes as indicators for extra authenticity.

Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes)
Another great time waster. It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image, and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time. Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes.

Get yourself as nauseated as possible
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)
Best achieved by looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can't even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the "makes boredom seem a lot better" effect (see "Hurt Yourself").

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THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH VERY LITTLE

See what's in your neighbour's trash
(Amusement Potential: 20-30 minutes)
You can learn a lot about people by what they throw out. You might uncover some dark secret about them. Plus, they might be throwing out something with value that still works, like a VCR.

Watch TV, repeat everything said in Italian accent
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)
Sort of entertaining. Include flamboyant shoulder shrugs for added impact, or go for a Marlon Brando set of grunts.

Send spooky emails
(Amusement Potential: 15-60 minutes)
Look up someone's CV on the web, do some research on them via Google and then send them an email full of personal references claiming to be an ex-work colleague who fell in love with their shoes. Or something.

Play our useless games
(Amusement Potential: how long have you got?)
Waste away the hours with our collection of useless games

Make prank phone calls
(Amusement Potential: 20-60 minutes)
Very entertaining, but requires discipline. Remember - vulgarities don't make a call funny, but getting the other person to believe a ridiculous story will. TYry seeing if you can get them to make noises to 'test' the line. One to get you started off: Call McDonalds with weird complaints about their food.

Pretend all humans will die except for people in room with you
Amusement Potential: 10-20 minutes)
What would you do if this really happened? Would the group stay together, or would there be factions? Who would join what group? Remember, there would only be power for a few days before the plants ran out of fuel or broke. To travel, you would always have to be near cars to siphon gas out of. Best to do with people you know.

Step off a curb with eyes shut, imagine it's a cliff
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes)
To get any benefit out of this one, you have to have a good imagination. Don't step off immediately, build up to the jump. Study the ravine below. Feel the winds at that altitude. Step off and...AHHHHHH!!!!!

Burn things with a magnifying glass
(Amusement Potential: 5-30 minutes)
Ants are always fun to use for this, but burning the face of someone you don't like, under some circumstances, can be just as entertaining.

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THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH ANOTHER PERSON

Have a water drinking contest
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)
While the competition is fun, you probably won't feel too good afterward. To give your event an old western theme, slam the cups upside down on the tables after you have emptied them.

Stare at the back of someone's head until they turn around
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes)
This works on the "I have the feeling I'm being watched" principle. Conduct an experiment-does this really work?

Have a "Who is less competitive" competition
wonder (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
Trying to win at this will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose.

Pick up a dog so it can see things from your point of view
(Amusement Potential: 3-5 minutes)
Think about it: your dog has only seen the house from a viewpoint from 6" to 2' high (15 to 60 cm for all you metric fans). It's never seen the tops of counters, what you keep on your desk, the tops of shelves, etc. Try looking at things from its point of view, too.

Pull out a hair, stick in someone's ear
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes)
Best done to sleeping people. Added challenge in having no one else around, because then you can't blame it on anyone else. Try to beat your record number of times before the person catches on.

Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of person's neck
(Amusement Potential: 5-15 minutes)
Always a good gag. For an even bigger reaction out of the person, act like you're not sorry at all for what they think you did. Comment instead on how big that sneeze was or about how there was a lot of mucus in that one.