My time capsule.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Friday, September 23, 2005
my hell
Bill Gates
Circle I Limbo
Republicans
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind
Democrats
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow
Libertarians
Circle IV Rolling Weights
Bill Clinton
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled
River Styx
The Pope
Circle VI Buried for Eternity
River Phlegyas
Osama bin Laden
Circle VII Burning Sands
Saddam Hussein
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement
George Bush
Circle IX Frozen in Ice
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Monday, September 19, 2005
width="240" height="180"How Stupid Do They Think We Are?
How Stupid Do They Think We Are?
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial bath bar:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
On a frozen dinner package:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel-provided shower cap box:
Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
Do not turn upside down (Printed on the bottom of the box)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging from a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On a bottle of Nytol (a sleeping aid):
Warning: May cause drowsiness.
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: Keep out of children.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: Contains nuts.
On an American Airlines package of nuts:
Instructions: Open package, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
On a package of Sunmaid raisins:
Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?
taken from http://www.davesdaily.com/funpages/instructions-list.ht
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial bath bar:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
On a frozen dinner package:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel-provided shower cap box:
Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
Do not turn upside down (Printed on the bottom of the box)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging from a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On a bottle of Nytol (a sleeping aid):
Warning: May cause drowsiness.
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: Keep out of children.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: Contains nuts.
On an American Airlines package of nuts:
Instructions: Open package, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
On a package of Sunmaid raisins:
Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?
taken from http://www.davesdaily.com/funpages/instructions-list.ht
Sunday, September 18, 2005
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Male Masturbation Synonyms
# A big date with Rosy Palms
# A date with Mrs. Palmer and her 5 slut daughters
# Adjusting the antenna
# Adjusting your set
# Answering the Bone-A-Phone
# Applying the hand brake
# Arguing with Henry Longfellow
# Arm-wrestling the purple-headed stormtrooper
# Asking for a second opinion (your second head)
# Assault on a friendly weapon
# Attacking the one-eyed purple-headed warrior
# Attending to the throb knob needs
# Auditioning the hand puppet
# Backstroke roulette
# Badgering the witness
# Baiting your hook
# Ball slappin' fun
# Bangin' your bacon
# Banging one out
# Banging the Cyclops
# Bashing the Bishop
# Bashing the candle
# Bashing the pear
# Basting the ham
# Batting practice
# Battling the purple-headed yogurt slinger
# Beatin' Bobby
# Beating Bob and the twins
# Beating Jack
# Beating off
# Beating the bait
# Beating the balloon
# Beating the balogna
# Beating the beagle
# Beating the bed flute
# Beating the Bishop
# Beating the dummy
# Beating the fuck out of your best friend
# Beating the goat
# Beating the old man
# Beating the pud
# Beating the shit out of your incapacitated midget
# Beating the snake
# Beating the snot outta Rotney
# Beating the snotty end of my fuck stick
# Beating the stick
# Beating your meat
# Beef-stroke-it-off
# Being a virtuoso of the skin flute
# Being rough with the sex stick
# Being your own best friend
# Belaboring the obvious
# Biffing off
# Bleeding the weed
# Blowing your load
# Blowing your own horn
# Bludgeoning the beefsteak
# Blue-ball buster
# Blueball baseball
# Bobbing your boloney
# Bonging your shlong
# Booting up the hard drive
# Boppin' your bologna
# Bopping Richard
# Bopping the baloney
# Bopping the bishop
# Bopping the Bonzo
# Bouncing the bunny
# Boxing Oscar
# Boxing Oscar in the closet
# Boxing the bald champ
# Boxing the clown
# Boxing the Jesuit
# Boxing the Jesuit and getting cockroaches
# Boxing the one-eyed clown
# Boxing the trouser mouse
# Boxing with Richard
# Breaking the fish tank
# Buckin' it
# Buffin' the bishop
# Buffing my wand
# Buffing the banana
# Buffing the rifle
# Buffing the wood
# Buffing your nuts
# Buggering your hand
# Bunning your hot dog
# Burning off a few calories
# Burping the baby
# Burping the worm
# Busting a nut
# Buttering your corn
# Calling all cum
# Calling down for more Mayo
# Calling in the National Guard to assist you in a strategic crisis
# Caning the vandal
# Caping the crusader
# Capturing the bishop
# Carrying weight
# Casting off
# Changing your oil
# Charming the cobra
# Charming the one-eyed trouser snake
# Charming the snake
# Cheap date
# Cheating on your other hand
# Checking for testicular cancer
# Checking the plumbing
# Cheesing off
# Chilling the dill
# Choking Charlie 'till he throws up
# Choking Kojak
# Choking the bald guy until he pukes
# Choking the chicken
# Choking the hog
# Choking the pirate
# Choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come
# Choking your chicken
# Choking yourself into emission
# Chopping down
# Chucking one in the sink
# Chucking the yogurt
# Churning your butter
# Civil War
# Clamping the pipe
# Cleaning out your rope
# Cleaning the pipes
# Cleaning the walls after an accident involving the Milk Man and the Cyclops
# Cleaning your rifle
# Clearing the snorkel
# Climbin' the tree
# Climbing Mount Baldy
# Climbing Mt. Barbell (for guys with pierced dicks)
# Climbing the corporate ladder
# Clobbering the bad guy
# Clobbering the Kleenex
# Closet Frisbee
# Clubbing Eddy
# Clubbing the baby seal
# Clubbing the clam
# Clubbing the dummy
# Coating Prince William Sound with love oil
# Cocking the rifle
# Collecting a specimen
# Coming into your own
# Coming to grips with the situation
# Coming to grips with yourself
# Committing mass spermicide
# Cooking the cream of cock
# Cooking with Wong
# Corralling the tadpoles
# Couch hockey for one
# Cracking one off
# Cracking the fat
# Crank yanking
# Cranking
# Cranking for cum
# Cranking one off
# Cranking the love pump
# Cranking the monkey
# Cranking the shank
# Crimping the wire
# Crowning the king
# Cuddlin' the Kielbasa
# Cuffing the carrot
# Cuffing the dummy
# Cuffing the puppy
# Custer's Last Stand
# Dancing round the maypole
# Dancing the two-fisted tango
# Dancing with Johnnie One-Eye
# Dating Miss Michigan (think geography)
# Dating Mother Palm and her five daughters
# Dating Rosie Palm and her five sisters
# Debugging the hard drive
# Decongesting the weasel
# Devil's Handshake (Catholic School)
# Dick whacking
# Diddle whacking
# Diddling
# Digging for change
# Digitally oscillating one's penis
# Discharging the heat-seeking moisture missile
# Disciplining the primate
# Disseminating
# Do the Dew
# Dogger Bank
# Doin' a loner with your boner
# Doin' the solitary rhumba
# Doing a hand job
# Doing an impression of Goofy
# Doing battle with the Purple-Helmeted Warrior of Love
# Doing handiwork
# Doing it your way
# Doing the five-knuckle shuffle
# Doing the hand jive
# Doing the hand-cooter
# Doing the human version of AUTOEXEC.BAT
# Doing the janitor thing
# Doing the knuckle shuffle on the ol' piss pump
# Doing the plotkin
# Doing the pork sword jiggle
# Doing the sin of Onan
# Doing the White Knuckler
# Doing your own thing
# Doodling your noodle
# Downing at the club (for members only)
# Downing the pitcher
# Draining the dragon
# Draining the lizard
# Draining the main vein
# Draining the monster
# Draining the one-eyed monster
# Draining the poisons from the building
# Draining the vats
# Draining the vein
# Dripping white-hot coconuts from the veiny palm tree of lust
# Driving the skin bus
# Droppin' a wad of hot wax
# Dropping a line
# Dropping stomach pancakes
# Dropping the kids off at the pool
# Dry humping the ottoman
# Duking the Bishop
# Dundering the devil-dolphin
# Electing the president
# Emptying your sex pistol
# Engaging in safe sex
# Erupting Ol' Faithful
# Escorting the one-eyed postal worker out of his denim cell
# Evicting the testicular squatters
# Falling in love with your right hand
# Faxing Jimmy Dean
# Faxing the Pope
# Feeding the chooks
# Feeding the ducks
# Fetching milk
# Filling Charlie's magic sock
# Finding yourself
# Firing the flesh musket
# Firing the love rifle
# Firing the presidential staff
# Firing the Surgeon General
# Firming your worm
# Fishing for the two-toned trouser trout
# Fishing for zipper trout
# Fist fucking
# Fisting your mister
# Five against one
# Five knuckle Olympics
# Five on one
# Five-Digit Shuffle
# Five-finger discount
# Five-finger solo
# Five-knuckle chuckle
# Five-knuckle-shuffle on the old piss pump
# Fixing the toilet
# Flapping Takkie (South African)
# Flaying the Emperor
# Flick on over the thumb
# Flicking the bic
# Flipping the Bishop
# Floggin' the log
# Flogging the Bishop
# Flogging the dog
# Flogging the dolphin
# Flogging the dong
# Flogging the frog
# Flogging the General
# Flogging the hog
# Flogging the log
# Flogging the mule
# Flogging the salami
# Flogging your dong
# Flogging your dumber brother
# Flogging your log
# Flogging your stob
# Fluffing the pillow
# Flute solo
# Fly fishing
# Flying a kite
# Following my bliss
# Fondling the fig
# Fondling the fisherman
# Fondling the fountain
# Fooling with your tool
# Foreplay with Fistina
# Four-knuckle shuffle (for those who lost a finger in 'Nam)
# Freeing the hostages
# Freeing the Willies
# Freeing Willy
# Freeing your dick fish into the gene pool
# Frigging the love muscle (British)
# Friggit
# Frosting the pastries
# Fucking a pillow
# Fucking Mrs. Fist, the five-fingered widow
# Fun with friction
# Galloping the antelope
# Galloping the old lizard
# Ganging the plank
# Ganking
# Getting' your oil checked
# Gettin' jizzy with it
# Getting a date with Slick Mittens
# Getting a grip on things
# Getting a load off my mind
# Getting a milk mustache
# Getting a stiffy
# Getting busy
# Getting chafed
# Getting in touch with your manhood
# Getting in touch with yourself
# Getting off
# Getting tennis elbow
# Getting the dirty water off your chest
# Getting the German soldier marching
# Getting the glue stick
# Getting to know Miss Michigan
# Getting to know yourself
# Getting to know yourself personally in the "biblical sense"
# Getting your caps peeled
# Getting your exercise
# Getting your palm read by Mister Softee
# Getting your palm red
# Getting your pole varnished
# Givin' the one-eyed field mouse with the purple turtle-neck sweater a hot-butter nuggie
# Giving it a good once over
# Giving it a tug
# Giving Ms. Palm and and her five sisters a ride on the meat train
# Giving the John Hancock
# Giving the pink Mustang a lube job
# Giving the pink Mustang a spit shine
# Giving the seamen shore leave
# Giving your employee a raise
# Giving yourself a dishonorable discharge
# Giving yourself a hand
# Giving yourself a happy ending
# Giving yourself a helping hand
# Giving yourself a low five
# Glazing the donut
# Gluing the lady's eye's shut
# Going a couple of rounds with ol' Josh
# Going blind
# Going for the gold
# Going into battle with the purple-helmeted warrior
# Going on a date with Handrea and Palmela
# Going on a date with Rosey Palm and the five daughters
# Going on Peewee's little adventure
# Going steady with my bouncing Betty
# Going the blow
# Going to the basement
# Grappling the gorilla
# Greasin' up my love monkey
# Greasing the axle
# Greasing the flagpole
# Greasing the monkey
# Greasing the pipe
# Greasing your bone
# Gripping the pencil
# Hacking the hog
# Han Solo
# Hand job
# Hand Shandy
# Hand Solo
# Hand-starting the one-eyed yogurt thrower
# Hand work
# Hand-to-gland combat
# Handling heavy equipment
# Handling the hound
# Hands-on training
# Handy work
# Hanging out with Peter Tork
# Hanging the old man
# Hard labor
# Harping on Happy Harry Hard-on
# Hatchin' a batch
# Having a ball
# Having a Barclays Bank
# Having a bat
# Having a chuff
# Having a conversation with the one-eyed trouser snake
# Having a date with Fisty Palmer
# Having a date with Mrs. Thumb and her 4 daughters
# Having a date with Rosie Palm and her five sisters
# Having a ham shank
# Having a J. Arthur (British special, after J. Arthur Rank, it's rhyming slang)
# Having a one-night-stand with yourself
# Having a play date with your little friend
# Having a puppet show in your pants
# Having a Roy (Australian)
# Having a Sherman (British)
# Having a staff meeting
# Having a tommy tank
# Having a tug
# Having a tug-of-war with the cyclops
# Having an arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel
# Having dinner
# Having group sex with five friends
# Having it off
# Having one off the wrist
# Having sex with someone you love
# Heaving the heathen handhold
# Helping Mr. Happy
# Hitchhiking to heaven
# Hitchhiking under the Big Top
# Hitching to heaven
# Hitting the ham
# Hitting the sack
# Hitting the speedbump
# Hoisting the flag
# Holding all the cards
# Holding my own
# Holding the sausage hostage
# Honing the cone
# Honing your bone
# Honking the bobo
# Huffing on the hoagie
# Hugging the hog
# Hugging the sausage
# Humpin' air
# Humping your fist
# Humping your hose
# In the hand
# Irking the dude
# Ironing some wrinkles
# J. Arthur Rank (British rhyming slang - wank)
# Jack hammering
# Jackin'
# Jackin' the Beanstalk
# Jackin' your meat
# Jacking off
# Jacking up the hot rod
# Jag off
# Jammin' your jimmy
# Jazzing yourself
# Jelly roll
# Jenny Mccarthy Jaunt
# Jerkin' the gherkin
# Jerkin' the joystick
# Jerkin' your beef
# Jerking Jamby
# Jerking off
# Jerking the Johnson
# Jerking the turkey
# Jerking yanking daisy-chaining
# Jiggling the jewelry
# Jiggling your Johnson
# Jimmying your Joey
# Jizzlobbing
# Jogging the lizard
# Joining the Navy
# Joshing it
# Juice the Moose
# Juicing the jizz monster
# Jumping the jock
# Just combing my hair
# Just jerkin' it
# Keeping the Optometrists in business
# Kicking seamen
# Kicking your roommate out for five to ten minutes to "call your parents"
# Killing it
# Killing the Beast
# Killing the bird on punches
# Kneading my knockwurst
# Kneeding the bread
# Knockin' over the weeble
# Knocking one off
# Knocking the top off
# Knuckle nobbing
# Knuckle Shuffle on the ol' piss pump
# Knuckling the bone
# Launching the hand shuttle
# Launching the morning missile
# Launching the rocket
# Laying the smack down on yourself
# Leakin' the main drain
# Letting out the bulimic one-eyed monster
# Lighting the lava lamp
# Living it up
# Looking for ticks
# Loping the mule
# Love's labors lost
# Loving the lizard
# Loving the muppet
# Lubing the tube
# Make like Hans Solo and stroke your wookie
# Makin' moonshine
# Making a fist sandwich
# Making a foreskin cone
# Making a knuckle hot dog
# Making free hand lotion
# Making friends with Big Ed
# Making instant pudding
# Making nut butter
# Making soup for one
# Making special sauce with frank and beans
# Making the bald guy puke
# Making the Cyclops cry
# Making the cyclops do chin-ups 'til he throws up
# Making the llama spit
# Making the piggy squeal
# Making the scene with the magazine
# Making vanilla jism shakes
# Making with the tadpoles
# Making yogurt
# Making yourself at home
# Mangling the midget
# Manhandling the manhood
# Manhandling your man-handle
# Manipulating the mango
# Manning the cockpit
# Manual labor
# Manual override
# Masonic secret self handshake
# Massaging Mr. Ho-Ho
# Massaging the mink
# Massaging your muscle
# Massaging your purple-headed warrior
# Master bacon
# Measuring for condoms
# Medical wankorama
# Medieval folk dancing
# Meeting Mary Palm and her five sisters
# Meeting Rosie Hancock
# Meeting with Mother Thumb and her four daughters
# Meeting with Palmala Handerson
# Meeting your kids
# Milking one's self
# Milking the bull
# Milking the cow
# Milking the lizard
# Milking the monkey
# Milking the moose
# Milking the mule
# Milking the muscle
# Milking the weasel
# Milking your wood
# Milkywaying
# Million sperm march
# Minding my own business
# Moisturizing your hands with your beauty bar
# Molesting the mole
# Moulding hot plastic
# Mounting a corporal and four
# Much goo about nothing
# My sex life!
# Nerking your throbber
# Oiling the baseball bat
# Oiling the glove
# Oiling the mighty dick hinge
# Oiling the pogo stick
# Onan's Olympics
# Onanism
# One gun salute
# One hand clapping
# One handed shim sham
# One man show
# One off the wrist
# One stop shopping
# One-armed skiing
# One-handed workout
# One-man orgy
# One-man ring toss
# One-man show
# One-man tug-o-war
# Opening up a bottle of Squirt
# Organ solo
# Packing your palm
# Paddling the pickle
# Painting the ceiling
# Painting the pickle
# Painting the walls
# Painting your pants
# Palming the calm
# Pam Anderson Polka
# Pasting pages
# Pat the Robertson
# Pattin' the puppy
# Pedal and crank
# Pee Wee pleaser
# Peeing children
# Peeling some chilis
# Peeling the banana
# Peeling the carrot
# Performing a self-test
# Performing diagnostics on your ManTool
# Perling the oyster
# Petting the lizard
# Petting the puppy
# Petting the python
# Petting your animal
# Petting your dog
# Phoning the czar
# Pipping the pumpkin
# Playin' the bone-a-thon
# Playin' with hardballs
# Playin' with yourself
# Playing a little five-on-one
# Playing a one-stringed guitar
# Playing Billy Squier on the skin flute
# Playing five card draw with a handful of jacks
# Playing five card stud
# Playing in a one-man show
# Playing miniature golf
# Playing paintball with white paint
# Playing Peek-A-Boo with Mr. Johnson
# Playing peekaboo
# Playing peekaboo with Darth Vader
# Playing ping pong with your ding dong
# Playing pocket pinball
# Playing pocket polo with Agent Johnson
# Playing pocket pool
# Playing tag with the pink torpedo
# Playing the crotch trombone
# Playing the flesh flute
# Playing the male organ
# Playing the one-handed air guitar
# Playing the one-stringed melody
# Playing the organ
# Playing the piss pipe
# Playing the pisser
# Playing the skin flute
# Playing the solo symphony
# Playing the stand-up organ
# Playing tug-o-war with the cyclops
# Playing tug-o-war with the staked vampire 'til he flames up
# Playing Uno
# Playing with dick
# Playing with my little brother Peter
# Playing with Susi Palmer and her five friends
# Playing with the pogo stick
# Playing with the snake
# Playing with the spitting llama
# Playing with Yoosef
# Playing with your bird
# Playing with your noodle
# Playing with your turtle (for uncircumcised guys?)
# Playing with yourself
# Playing Yahtzee
# Playing your instrument
# Pleasing your pisser
# Pleasure pumping
# Plunking your twanger
# Poaching the salmon
# Pocket billiards
# Pocket pinball
# Pocket pool
# Poking palm
# Pole vaulting
# Polishing Percy in your palm
# Polishing the bayonet
# Polishing the beak
# Polishing the cane
# Polishing the chrome dome
# Polishing the family jewels
# Polishing the fire pole
# Polishing the helmet
# Polishing the hot rod
# Polishing the knob
# Polishing the Lighthouse
# Polishing the pink Mustang
# Polishing the Pope
# Polishing the purple people pleaser
# Polishing the rocket
# Polishing the rocking horse
# Polishing the rod
# Polishing the sword
# Polishing your bayonet
# Polishing your helmet
# Polishing your piece
# Popping a nut
# Popping the blister
# Popping the bone
# Popping the cork
# Popping the porpoise
# Popping the purple pimple
# Popping your top
# Pounding off
# Pounding the bald-headed moose
# Pounding the pud
# Pounding your flounder
# Pounding your piss pump
# Pounding your pud
# Pouring off the potatoes
# Practicing for the big game
# Praising God
# Preparing the carrot
# Priming the pump
# Pud wrestling
# Puddin'
# Pudwhacking
# Pullin' a few rounds
# Pulling off
# Pulling pud
# Pulling rank
# Pulling the blue-veined custard chucker
# Pulling the blue-veined junket pumper
# Pulling the bologna pony
# Pulling the carrot
# Pulling the Colonel Sanders Heimleich Manuever
# Pulling the cord
# Pulling the five-knuckle shuffle
# Pulling the goalie
# Pulling the handbrake
# Pulling the piss pump
# Pulling the pole
# Pulling the Pope
# Pulling the pork stick
# Pulling the root
# Pulling the rope
# Pulling the single serving soup dispenser
# Pulling the weed
# Pulling the wire
# Pulling your goalie
# Pulling your love muscle
# Pulling your own leg
# Pulling your plonker
# Pulling your power cord
# Pulling your prick
# Pulling your pud
# Pulling your taffy
# Pulling your wire
# Pummeling the priest
# Pumpin' the poodle
# Pumping cream
# Pumping for pleasure
# Pumping for power
# Pumping gas at the self-service island
# Pumping iron
# Pumping the electric goo gun
# Pumping the porpoise
# Pumping the python
# Pumping the soft soap dispenser
# Pumping the stump
# Punchin' the clown
# Punchin' the midget
# Punchin' the munchkin
# Punching the clown
# Punching the munchkin
# Punching the possum
# Punching the stepson
# Punching yourself in the crotch
# Punishing Percy
# Punishing Percy with the palm
# Punishing the Bishop
# Punishing the Pope
# Puttin' the tie on
# Qualifying in the testicular time trial
# Raising Stonehenge
# Raising the flag pole
# Raising the mainsail
# Raising your sail
# Ramming the ham
# Rapid delivery
# Rapid one arm pull-ups
# Reading poetry
# Releasing the Olympic Doves
# Relieving tension
# Reverse osmosis
# Riding the Great White Knuckler
# Riding the lightning
# Ringing the rag
# Rippin' the rocket
# Rocket piloting
# Rockin' the rooster
# Rolling the fleshy blunt
# Rolling your own
# Roman helmet rhumba
# Romancing the bone
# Romeo and Himself
# Rootin' for the Yankees
# Ropin' the long horn
# Roping the pony
# Roping the Pope
# Roughing the passer
# Roughing up the suspect
# Rounding up the tadpoles
# Rubbing off
# Rubbing one out
# Rubbing the Buddha for good luck
# Rubbing the magic one-eyed wonder weasel
# Rubbing the pink eraser
# Rubbing the rod
# Rubbing the unicorn's horn
# Running in single-user mode
# Running off a batch by hand
# Running the cheeta
# Sacrificing sperm to the god of lonely nights
# Safest sex
# Salting your nuts in the shell
# Sanding the obelisk
# Sanding wood
# Saying a private prayer in the Church of the First Holy Monkey
# Saying hello to Mr. Winkie
# Scalpin' the injun
# Schnauzer Shuffleboard
# Scouring the tower of power
# Scraping your carrot
# Scraping your horn
# Scratchin' the itch
# Scratching the cat pole
# Screwing your girlfriend Handgella
# Scromping the camper
# Seamen reporting for duty on the skin boat
# Seasonin' your meat
# Secret handshake
# Seeding the carpet
# Self abuse
# Self catering
# Self love
# Self-induced penile regurgitation
# Self-inflicted intercourse
# Sending a boy to the Academy
# Sending out the troops
# Sending yourself a hand-job-o-gram
# Sex with someone you really love
# Shagging
# Shakin' hands with Little Richard
# Shakin' the snot off your frog
# Shaking coconuts from the love tree
# Shaking hands with Abe Lincoln
# Shaking hands with beef
# Shaking hands with Jack McNasty
# Shaking hands with Johnson
# Shaking hands with Mr. Happy
# Shaking Hands with Mr. President
# Shaking hands with Shorty
# Shaking hands with the boss
# Shaking hands with the general
# Shaking hands with the goblin of love
# Shaking hands with the Governor
# Shaking hands with the midget
# Shaking hands with the one-eyed trouser trout
# Shaking hands with the President
# Shaking hands with the unemployed
# Shaking hands with your John Thomas
# Shaking hands with your wife's best friend
# Shaking hands with Yul Brenner
# Shaking the bottle
# Shaking the coconut milk of love from the leafless palm trunk
# Shaking the dice
# Shaking the hand of the self-employed
# Shaking the sauce
# Shaking the sausage
# Shaking the snake
# Shaking the sugar tree
# Shaking the white-out pen
# Shanking
# Sharpening your pencil
# Shavin' the carrot
# Shellacking the shellaleigh
# Shemping the hog
# Shifting gears
# Shifting to fifth gear with the pork spear
# Shining the helmet
# Shining the pork sword
# Shining the shaft
# Shining the shank
# Shining your pole
# Shootin' your splouge
# Shooting Cupid's arrow
# Shooting enemies
# Shooting flies
# Shooting for the moon
# Shooting for the stars
# Shooting putty at the moon
# Shooting Sherman
# Shooting skeet (pull...shoot)
# Shooting tadpoles at the moon
# Shooting the pump action porridge gun
# Shooting the sherbert
# Shooting to score
# Shooting your wad
# Shuckin' Bubba
# Shucking the corn
# Simple infanticide
# Singing with Donny Osmond
# Skipping rope
# Slaking the bacon
# Slammin' the salami
# Slamming the ham
# Slamming the hammer
# Slamming the salmon
# Slamming the spam
# Slamming the sump-pump
# Slap-Boxing the One-Eyed Champ
# Slappin' the purple-headed yogurt pistol
# Slappin' Pappy
# Slapping high fives with Yul Brynner
# Slapping it
# Slapping my happy sacks
# Slapping the big-nosed Rasta man
# Slapping the carrot
# Slapping the clown
# Slapping the Cyclops
# Slapping the donkey
# Slapping the FleshGopher
# Slapping the meat
# Slapping the pud
# Slapping the salami
# Slapping your chub
# Slaying the beast
# Slaying the dragon
# Sleeping
# Slicking the stick
# Slinging jelly
# Slinging the jelly
# Sloppy Joe's last stand
# Sloppy sign language
# Smackin' Isaiah
# Smacking Bob around
# Smacking the monkey
# Smacking the oompa loompa
# Smacking the salami
# Smacking the weasel
# Smacking the yak 'til it spits back
# Smacking your sister
# Smacking-off
# Smoking the bratworst
# Snappin' off a batch
# Snapping one off
# Snapping the carrot
# Snapping the monkey
# Snapping the radish
# Snapping the rubber
# Snapping the whip
# Snapping your carrot
# Solo flight
# Solo marathon
# Solo sex
# Solo spurting
# Soup of the day
# Spackling the ceiling
# Spanking Cheetah
# Spanking Elvis
# Spanking Frank
# Spanking the bishop
# Spanking the frank
# Spanking the monkey
# Spanking the plank
# Spanking the salami
# Spanking the wank
# Spanking up a batch
# Speaking into the microphone
# Spear chucking
# Spearing the Spartans
# Spending some quality time with yourself
# Spermin' Herman the one-eyed German
# Spewing your load
# Spilling my children on my belly
# Spit-polishing the purple helmet
# Spitting up
# Splashing one out
# Spluging
# Spreading the mayo
# Spunking
# Spunking the Monk
# Spurtin' Bert
# Squashing the sea monkey
# Squeezing the burrito
# Squeezing the Charmin
# Squeezing the cheese
# Squeezing the cream from the flesh Twinkie
# Squeezing the glue
# Squeezing the juice
# Squeezing the lemon
# Squeezing the snake with the turtleneck sweater
# Squeezing the tube of toothpaste
# Squeezing the weasel
# Squeezing your cheese-dog
# Squirting off your load in the school bathroom
# Squishing the fish
# Staff meeting
# Stall clapping
# Starting the day off right
# Stirring the batter
# Stirring the soup
# Stirring the yogurt
# Stoking the fire
# Strainin' the main vein
# Strangling Kojak
# Strangling the hog
# Strangling the one-eyed trouser snake
# Strangling the Serpent
# Stress relief for a personal appendage
# Stretching the limo
# Stretching the turtle neck
# Striking the pink match
# Striking your match
# Stripping the bark off your wood
# Stroke 'til you spew
# Strokin'
# Strokin' the mule
# Strokin' the sausage
# Stroking it
# Stroking off
# Stroking the balony pony
# Stroking the dog
# Stroking the lizard
# Stroking the mole
# Stroking the one-eyed burping gecko
# Stroking the salami
# Stroking the satin-headed serpent
# Stroking the snake
# Stroking the squirmin' German
# Stroking the stallion
# Stroking the wiener
# Stroking your goat
# Stroking your poker
# Stroking your pud
# Stroking your twinkie
# Stromming the Thurmond
# Strummin' my six inch
# Studying for a math test
# Sucker-punching the blind webster
# Swickin' it
# Swinging the jump rope
# Swinging the light saber
# Swinging the purple-veined kidney stabber
# Swinging the royal red reproduction rod
# Tagging off
# Takin' the bunt sign
# Taking a five minute vacation south of the border
# Taking a nap
# Taking a shake break
# Taking Captain Picard to Warp-Speed
# Taking care of business
# Taking control of yourself
# Taking Herman to the circus
# Taking little Elvis to Graceland
# Taking matters into your own hands
# Taking ol' one eye through the fly
# Taking ol' one eye to the Knuckle Shuffle
# Taking part in population control
# Taking some time off
# Taking the dog for a walk
# Taking the Jocelyn Elders Midterm
# Taking the monster for a one-armed ride
# Taking the sperm whale for a walk
# Taking your turn at the self-serve pump
# Talking quietly to yourself
# Talking turkey
# Taming the shrew
# Taming the wild hog
# Tamping your tater
# Tapping the turkey
# Target practice
# Target practice with the yogurt gun
# Target practicing with white ammo
# Taunting the one-eyed weasel
# Teaching a one-eyed Chinaman how to dance
# Teaching him a lesson
# Teaching your kids to swim
# Teasing the purple-headed custard chucker
# Teasing the python
# Teasing the Viking
# Teasing the weasel
# Teasing the weenie
# Teeing off
# Tenderizing the tube steak
# Tenderizing your meat
# Test-firing the meat missle
# Testicular tensile strength test
# Testing the hand cream dispenser
# Testing the testicles
# Testing your batteries
# That crazy hand jive
# The art of Unisex
# The Colonel Sanders Heimleich Maneuver
# The five digit disco
# The five-knuckle shuffle on the old piss pipe
# The five-finger hustle with Russel the one-eyed love muscle
# The serta solo
# The sticky page rhumba
# Thrapping
# Thrashing the weasel
# Threading a needle
# Throbbing the knob
# Throwin' down
# Throwing
# Throwing a shower
# Throwing off a batch
# Throwing one
# Throwing the hamster against the wall
# Throwing up mayo
# Thumping the pump
# Thumping your pud
# Thwackin' the sack
# Tickle the Elmo
# Ticklewigglejigglepickle
# Tickling my fancy
# Tickling the dragon's tail
# Tickling the ivory
# Tickling the one-eyed weasel
# Tickling the pickle
# Tickling the Polish salmon
# Toilet sailing
# Tonking
# Torkin' the fork
# Torqueing the turtle
# Torturing the tentacle
# Tossing off
# Tossing the boss
# Tossing the salad
# Tossing the sauce
# Tossing the snag
# Tossing the spam javelin
# Tossing the turkey
# Tossing the white ball
# Tossing yogurt
# Touching the penis
# Treating yourself right
# Trolling for the one-eyed walleye
# Trolling for trouser trout
# Trouser snake CPR
# Trouser trout dancing lesson
# Tube sock tango
# Tug of war with Cyclops
# Tuggin' the timber
# Tugging Mount Love
# Tugging old beater
# Tugging the rope
# Tugging the slug
# Tugging the tapioca tube
# Tugging the tossle
# Tugging the turkey
# Tugging your tubesteak
# Tuning my horn
# Tuning the antenna
# Tuning your organ
# Turning Japanese (UK - one step beyond wanking)
# Turning on your fire hose
# Tussle with your muscle
# Tussling the Muscle
# Twanging the wire
# Tweaking your twinkie
# Twisting your crank
# Twisting your tool
# Typing with one hand
# Uncorking the bottle
# Underarm javelin in the meat olympics
# Unloading
# Unloading the gun
# Unmasking Darth Vader
# Unsheathing the pork sword
# Unwrapping the pepperoni
# Using the Force on Darth Vader
# Using the force on your meat saber
# Using the ol' 1 wood
# Varnishing the cane
# Varnishing the flagpole
# Vibrating the viper and making him spit poison
# Violating the hedge-hog
# Visiting Old Faithful
# Visiting Rosy Palm and her five daughters
# Visiting the five-fingered widow
# Wacking a lap
# Wacking off
# Wacking the one-eyed worm
# Wacking the paddle
# Wacking the weasel
# Wacking the weiner
# Wacking the willie
# Wagging the dog
# Wailing
# Wakey wakey hands off snakey
# Waking the dead
# Waking Wee Willie Winkle
# Walking the dog
# Walking the plank
# Walking the snake
# Walking Wally the one-eyed wonder worm
# Waltzing with Willy
# Wank
# Wank-o-rama
# Wanking
# Wanking off
# Wanking with the one-eyed wonder weasel
# Warming up the altar boy's dinner
# Washing the elephant's trunk
# Washing the meat
# Washing the wolverine
# Wasting your wad
# Watching the geyser
# Waving the Magic Wand
# Waxing pedro
# Waxing the beanpole
# Waxing the car
# Waxing the carrot
# Waxing the dolphin
# Waxing the flipper
# Waxing the old goal post
# Waxing the rocket
# Waxing your Jackson
# Waxing your surfboard
# Waxing your weasel
# Waxing your Willy
# Whackin' the weasel
# Whacking it
# Whacking off
# Whacking the axe
# Whacking Willy
# Whacking your tack
# Whippin' the whopper
# Whipping off
# Whipping skippy
# Whipping the balls
# Whipping the bishop
# Whipping the dummy
# Whipping the one-eyed trouser snake
# Whipping the one-eyed wonder weasel
# Whipping the pony
# Whipping the rat
# Whipping the stiff
# Whipping the walrus
# Whipping the window washer
# Whipping the wire
# Whipping up a batch
# Whipping up some sour cream
# Whipping Willy the one-eyed wonder-worm
# Whipping your dripper
# White-water wristing
# Whitewashing
# Whittling the stick
# Whizzin' jism
# Whomping the walrus
# Wiggling your worm
# Winding my watch
# Winding the Jack in the Box
# Windsurfing on Mount Baldy
# Wonking your conker
# Wonking your donk
# Workin' out a stiff joint
# Working a cramp out of your muscle
# Working off
# Working off a batch
# Working overtime at the meat factory
# Working up a batch
# Working your Willy
# Wrapping my hand around my cock and blowing a load all over my mother
# Wrestling the alligator
# Wrestling the eel
# Wrestling the gator
# Wrestling the one-eyed monster
# Wrestling the purple-headed warrior
# Wrestling with Jimmy
# Wrestling with the bald champ
# Wrestling with the one-eyed superhero
# Wringing out your rope
# Wringing the weasel
# Wringing your thing
# Wringing your weasel
# Wrist aerobics
# Yahtzee
# Yank my Doodle (It's a Dandy)
# Yankin' it
# Yankin' your chain
# Yankin' your Franklin
# Yanking off
# Yanking the crank
# Yanking the doodle
# Yanking the yoyo
# Yanking your chain
# Yanking your crank
# Yanking your plank
# Yanking your Yoda
# Yogurt slinging
# Zipper Olympics
# Zygote spraying
# A date with Mrs. Palmer and her 5 slut daughters
# Adjusting the antenna
# Adjusting your set
# Answering the Bone-A-Phone
# Applying the hand brake
# Arguing with Henry Longfellow
# Arm-wrestling the purple-headed stormtrooper
# Asking for a second opinion (your second head)
# Assault on a friendly weapon
# Attacking the one-eyed purple-headed warrior
# Attending to the throb knob needs
# Auditioning the hand puppet
# Backstroke roulette
# Badgering the witness
# Baiting your hook
# Ball slappin' fun
# Bangin' your bacon
# Banging one out
# Banging the Cyclops
# Bashing the Bishop
# Bashing the candle
# Bashing the pear
# Basting the ham
# Batting practice
# Battling the purple-headed yogurt slinger
# Beatin' Bobby
# Beating Bob and the twins
# Beating Jack
# Beating off
# Beating the bait
# Beating the balloon
# Beating the balogna
# Beating the beagle
# Beating the bed flute
# Beating the Bishop
# Beating the dummy
# Beating the fuck out of your best friend
# Beating the goat
# Beating the old man
# Beating the pud
# Beating the shit out of your incapacitated midget
# Beating the snake
# Beating the snot outta Rotney
# Beating the snotty end of my fuck stick
# Beating the stick
# Beating your meat
# Beef-stroke-it-off
# Being a virtuoso of the skin flute
# Being rough with the sex stick
# Being your own best friend
# Belaboring the obvious
# Biffing off
# Bleeding the weed
# Blowing your load
# Blowing your own horn
# Bludgeoning the beefsteak
# Blue-ball buster
# Blueball baseball
# Bobbing your boloney
# Bonging your shlong
# Booting up the hard drive
# Boppin' your bologna
# Bopping Richard
# Bopping the baloney
# Bopping the bishop
# Bopping the Bonzo
# Bouncing the bunny
# Boxing Oscar
# Boxing Oscar in the closet
# Boxing the bald champ
# Boxing the clown
# Boxing the Jesuit
# Boxing the Jesuit and getting cockroaches
# Boxing the one-eyed clown
# Boxing the trouser mouse
# Boxing with Richard
# Breaking the fish tank
# Buckin' it
# Buffin' the bishop
# Buffing my wand
# Buffing the banana
# Buffing the rifle
# Buffing the wood
# Buffing your nuts
# Buggering your hand
# Bunning your hot dog
# Burning off a few calories
# Burping the baby
# Burping the worm
# Busting a nut
# Buttering your corn
# Calling all cum
# Calling down for more Mayo
# Calling in the National Guard to assist you in a strategic crisis
# Caning the vandal
# Caping the crusader
# Capturing the bishop
# Carrying weight
# Casting off
# Changing your oil
# Charming the cobra
# Charming the one-eyed trouser snake
# Charming the snake
# Cheap date
# Cheating on your other hand
# Checking for testicular cancer
# Checking the plumbing
# Cheesing off
# Chilling the dill
# Choking Charlie 'till he throws up
# Choking Kojak
# Choking the bald guy until he pukes
# Choking the chicken
# Choking the hog
# Choking the pirate
# Choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come
# Choking your chicken
# Choking yourself into emission
# Chopping down
# Chucking one in the sink
# Chucking the yogurt
# Churning your butter
# Civil War
# Clamping the pipe
# Cleaning out your rope
# Cleaning the pipes
# Cleaning the walls after an accident involving the Milk Man and the Cyclops
# Cleaning your rifle
# Clearing the snorkel
# Climbin' the tree
# Climbing Mount Baldy
# Climbing Mt. Barbell (for guys with pierced dicks)
# Climbing the corporate ladder
# Clobbering the bad guy
# Clobbering the Kleenex
# Closet Frisbee
# Clubbing Eddy
# Clubbing the baby seal
# Clubbing the clam
# Clubbing the dummy
# Coating Prince William Sound with love oil
# Cocking the rifle
# Collecting a specimen
# Coming into your own
# Coming to grips with the situation
# Coming to grips with yourself
# Committing mass spermicide
# Cooking the cream of cock
# Cooking with Wong
# Corralling the tadpoles
# Couch hockey for one
# Cracking one off
# Cracking the fat
# Crank yanking
# Cranking
# Cranking for cum
# Cranking one off
# Cranking the love pump
# Cranking the monkey
# Cranking the shank
# Crimping the wire
# Crowning the king
# Cuddlin' the Kielbasa
# Cuffing the carrot
# Cuffing the dummy
# Cuffing the puppy
# Custer's Last Stand
# Dancing round the maypole
# Dancing the two-fisted tango
# Dancing with Johnnie One-Eye
# Dating Miss Michigan (think geography)
# Dating Mother Palm and her five daughters
# Dating Rosie Palm and her five sisters
# Debugging the hard drive
# Decongesting the weasel
# Devil's Handshake (Catholic School)
# Dick whacking
# Diddle whacking
# Diddling
# Digging for change
# Digitally oscillating one's penis
# Discharging the heat-seeking moisture missile
# Disciplining the primate
# Disseminating
# Do the Dew
# Dogger Bank
# Doin' a loner with your boner
# Doin' the solitary rhumba
# Doing a hand job
# Doing an impression of Goofy
# Doing battle with the Purple-Helmeted Warrior of Love
# Doing handiwork
# Doing it your way
# Doing the five-knuckle shuffle
# Doing the hand jive
# Doing the hand-cooter
# Doing the human version of AUTOEXEC.BAT
# Doing the janitor thing
# Doing the knuckle shuffle on the ol' piss pump
# Doing the plotkin
# Doing the pork sword jiggle
# Doing the sin of Onan
# Doing the White Knuckler
# Doing your own thing
# Doodling your noodle
# Downing at the club (for members only)
# Downing the pitcher
# Draining the dragon
# Draining the lizard
# Draining the main vein
# Draining the monster
# Draining the one-eyed monster
# Draining the poisons from the building
# Draining the vats
# Draining the vein
# Dripping white-hot coconuts from the veiny palm tree of lust
# Driving the skin bus
# Droppin' a wad of hot wax
# Dropping a line
# Dropping stomach pancakes
# Dropping the kids off at the pool
# Dry humping the ottoman
# Duking the Bishop
# Dundering the devil-dolphin
# Electing the president
# Emptying your sex pistol
# Engaging in safe sex
# Erupting Ol' Faithful
# Escorting the one-eyed postal worker out of his denim cell
# Evicting the testicular squatters
# Falling in love with your right hand
# Faxing Jimmy Dean
# Faxing the Pope
# Feeding the chooks
# Feeding the ducks
# Fetching milk
# Filling Charlie's magic sock
# Finding yourself
# Firing the flesh musket
# Firing the love rifle
# Firing the presidential staff
# Firing the Surgeon General
# Firming your worm
# Fishing for the two-toned trouser trout
# Fishing for zipper trout
# Fist fucking
# Fisting your mister
# Five against one
# Five knuckle Olympics
# Five on one
# Five-Digit Shuffle
# Five-finger discount
# Five-finger solo
# Five-knuckle chuckle
# Five-knuckle-shuffle on the old piss pump
# Fixing the toilet
# Flapping Takkie (South African)
# Flaying the Emperor
# Flick on over the thumb
# Flicking the bic
# Flipping the Bishop
# Floggin' the log
# Flogging the Bishop
# Flogging the dog
# Flogging the dolphin
# Flogging the dong
# Flogging the frog
# Flogging the General
# Flogging the hog
# Flogging the log
# Flogging the mule
# Flogging the salami
# Flogging your dong
# Flogging your dumber brother
# Flogging your log
# Flogging your stob
# Fluffing the pillow
# Flute solo
# Fly fishing
# Flying a kite
# Following my bliss
# Fondling the fig
# Fondling the fisherman
# Fondling the fountain
# Fooling with your tool
# Foreplay with Fistina
# Four-knuckle shuffle (for those who lost a finger in 'Nam)
# Freeing the hostages
# Freeing the Willies
# Freeing Willy
# Freeing your dick fish into the gene pool
# Frigging the love muscle (British)
# Friggit
# Frosting the pastries
# Fucking a pillow
# Fucking Mrs. Fist, the five-fingered widow
# Fun with friction
# Galloping the antelope
# Galloping the old lizard
# Ganging the plank
# Ganking
# Getting' your oil checked
# Gettin' jizzy with it
# Getting a date with Slick Mittens
# Getting a grip on things
# Getting a load off my mind
# Getting a milk mustache
# Getting a stiffy
# Getting busy
# Getting chafed
# Getting in touch with your manhood
# Getting in touch with yourself
# Getting off
# Getting tennis elbow
# Getting the dirty water off your chest
# Getting the German soldier marching
# Getting the glue stick
# Getting to know Miss Michigan
# Getting to know yourself
# Getting to know yourself personally in the "biblical sense"
# Getting your caps peeled
# Getting your exercise
# Getting your palm read by Mister Softee
# Getting your palm red
# Getting your pole varnished
# Givin' the one-eyed field mouse with the purple turtle-neck sweater a hot-butter nuggie
# Giving it a good once over
# Giving it a tug
# Giving Ms. Palm and and her five sisters a ride on the meat train
# Giving the John Hancock
# Giving the pink Mustang a lube job
# Giving the pink Mustang a spit shine
# Giving the seamen shore leave
# Giving your employee a raise
# Giving yourself a dishonorable discharge
# Giving yourself a hand
# Giving yourself a happy ending
# Giving yourself a helping hand
# Giving yourself a low five
# Glazing the donut
# Gluing the lady's eye's shut
# Going a couple of rounds with ol' Josh
# Going blind
# Going for the gold
# Going into battle with the purple-helmeted warrior
# Going on a date with Handrea and Palmela
# Going on a date with Rosey Palm and the five daughters
# Going on Peewee's little adventure
# Going steady with my bouncing Betty
# Going the blow
# Going to the basement
# Grappling the gorilla
# Greasin' up my love monkey
# Greasing the axle
# Greasing the flagpole
# Greasing the monkey
# Greasing the pipe
# Greasing your bone
# Gripping the pencil
# Hacking the hog
# Han Solo
# Hand job
# Hand Shandy
# Hand Solo
# Hand-starting the one-eyed yogurt thrower
# Hand work
# Hand-to-gland combat
# Handling heavy equipment
# Handling the hound
# Hands-on training
# Handy work
# Hanging out with Peter Tork
# Hanging the old man
# Hard labor
# Harping on Happy Harry Hard-on
# Hatchin' a batch
# Having a ball
# Having a Barclays Bank
# Having a bat
# Having a chuff
# Having a conversation with the one-eyed trouser snake
# Having a date with Fisty Palmer
# Having a date with Mrs. Thumb and her 4 daughters
# Having a date with Rosie Palm and her five sisters
# Having a ham shank
# Having a J. Arthur (British special, after J. Arthur Rank, it's rhyming slang)
# Having a one-night-stand with yourself
# Having a play date with your little friend
# Having a puppet show in your pants
# Having a Roy (Australian)
# Having a Sherman (British)
# Having a staff meeting
# Having a tommy tank
# Having a tug
# Having a tug-of-war with the cyclops
# Having an arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel
# Having dinner
# Having group sex with five friends
# Having it off
# Having one off the wrist
# Having sex with someone you love
# Heaving the heathen handhold
# Helping Mr. Happy
# Hitchhiking to heaven
# Hitchhiking under the Big Top
# Hitching to heaven
# Hitting the ham
# Hitting the sack
# Hitting the speedbump
# Hoisting the flag
# Holding all the cards
# Holding my own
# Holding the sausage hostage
# Honing the cone
# Honing your bone
# Honking the bobo
# Huffing on the hoagie
# Hugging the hog
# Hugging the sausage
# Humpin' air
# Humping your fist
# Humping your hose
# In the hand
# Irking the dude
# Ironing some wrinkles
# J. Arthur Rank (British rhyming slang - wank)
# Jack hammering
# Jackin'
# Jackin' the Beanstalk
# Jackin' your meat
# Jacking off
# Jacking up the hot rod
# Jag off
# Jammin' your jimmy
# Jazzing yourself
# Jelly roll
# Jenny Mccarthy Jaunt
# Jerkin' the gherkin
# Jerkin' the joystick
# Jerkin' your beef
# Jerking Jamby
# Jerking off
# Jerking the Johnson
# Jerking the turkey
# Jerking yanking daisy-chaining
# Jiggling the jewelry
# Jiggling your Johnson
# Jimmying your Joey
# Jizzlobbing
# Jogging the lizard
# Joining the Navy
# Joshing it
# Juice the Moose
# Juicing the jizz monster
# Jumping the jock
# Just combing my hair
# Just jerkin' it
# Keeping the Optometrists in business
# Kicking seamen
# Kicking your roommate out for five to ten minutes to "call your parents"
# Killing it
# Killing the Beast
# Killing the bird on punches
# Kneading my knockwurst
# Kneeding the bread
# Knockin' over the weeble
# Knocking one off
# Knocking the top off
# Knuckle nobbing
# Knuckle Shuffle on the ol' piss pump
# Knuckling the bone
# Launching the hand shuttle
# Launching the morning missile
# Launching the rocket
# Laying the smack down on yourself
# Leakin' the main drain
# Letting out the bulimic one-eyed monster
# Lighting the lava lamp
# Living it up
# Looking for ticks
# Loping the mule
# Love's labors lost
# Loving the lizard
# Loving the muppet
# Lubing the tube
# Make like Hans Solo and stroke your wookie
# Makin' moonshine
# Making a fist sandwich
# Making a foreskin cone
# Making a knuckle hot dog
# Making free hand lotion
# Making friends with Big Ed
# Making instant pudding
# Making nut butter
# Making soup for one
# Making special sauce with frank and beans
# Making the bald guy puke
# Making the Cyclops cry
# Making the cyclops do chin-ups 'til he throws up
# Making the llama spit
# Making the piggy squeal
# Making the scene with the magazine
# Making vanilla jism shakes
# Making with the tadpoles
# Making yogurt
# Making yourself at home
# Mangling the midget
# Manhandling the manhood
# Manhandling your man-handle
# Manipulating the mango
# Manning the cockpit
# Manual labor
# Manual override
# Masonic secret self handshake
# Massaging Mr. Ho-Ho
# Massaging the mink
# Massaging your muscle
# Massaging your purple-headed warrior
# Master bacon
# Measuring for condoms
# Medical wankorama
# Medieval folk dancing
# Meeting Mary Palm and her five sisters
# Meeting Rosie Hancock
# Meeting with Mother Thumb and her four daughters
# Meeting with Palmala Handerson
# Meeting your kids
# Milking one's self
# Milking the bull
# Milking the cow
# Milking the lizard
# Milking the monkey
# Milking the moose
# Milking the mule
# Milking the muscle
# Milking the weasel
# Milking your wood
# Milkywaying
# Million sperm march
# Minding my own business
# Moisturizing your hands with your beauty bar
# Molesting the mole
# Moulding hot plastic
# Mounting a corporal and four
# Much goo about nothing
# My sex life!
# Nerking your throbber
# Oiling the baseball bat
# Oiling the glove
# Oiling the mighty dick hinge
# Oiling the pogo stick
# Onan's Olympics
# Onanism
# One gun salute
# One hand clapping
# One handed shim sham
# One man show
# One off the wrist
# One stop shopping
# One-armed skiing
# One-handed workout
# One-man orgy
# One-man ring toss
# One-man show
# One-man tug-o-war
# Opening up a bottle of Squirt
# Organ solo
# Packing your palm
# Paddling the pickle
# Painting the ceiling
# Painting the pickle
# Painting the walls
# Painting your pants
# Palming the calm
# Pam Anderson Polka
# Pasting pages
# Pat the Robertson
# Pattin' the puppy
# Pedal and crank
# Pee Wee pleaser
# Peeing children
# Peeling some chilis
# Peeling the banana
# Peeling the carrot
# Performing a self-test
# Performing diagnostics on your ManTool
# Perling the oyster
# Petting the lizard
# Petting the puppy
# Petting the python
# Petting your animal
# Petting your dog
# Phoning the czar
# Pipping the pumpkin
# Playin' the bone-a-thon
# Playin' with hardballs
# Playin' with yourself
# Playing a little five-on-one
# Playing a one-stringed guitar
# Playing Billy Squier on the skin flute
# Playing five card draw with a handful of jacks
# Playing five card stud
# Playing in a one-man show
# Playing miniature golf
# Playing paintball with white paint
# Playing Peek-A-Boo with Mr. Johnson
# Playing peekaboo
# Playing peekaboo with Darth Vader
# Playing ping pong with your ding dong
# Playing pocket pinball
# Playing pocket polo with Agent Johnson
# Playing pocket pool
# Playing tag with the pink torpedo
# Playing the crotch trombone
# Playing the flesh flute
# Playing the male organ
# Playing the one-handed air guitar
# Playing the one-stringed melody
# Playing the organ
# Playing the piss pipe
# Playing the pisser
# Playing the skin flute
# Playing the solo symphony
# Playing the stand-up organ
# Playing tug-o-war with the cyclops
# Playing tug-o-war with the staked vampire 'til he flames up
# Playing Uno
# Playing with dick
# Playing with my little brother Peter
# Playing with Susi Palmer and her five friends
# Playing with the pogo stick
# Playing with the snake
# Playing with the spitting llama
# Playing with Yoosef
# Playing with your bird
# Playing with your noodle
# Playing with your turtle (for uncircumcised guys?)
# Playing with yourself
# Playing Yahtzee
# Playing your instrument
# Pleasing your pisser
# Pleasure pumping
# Plunking your twanger
# Poaching the salmon
# Pocket billiards
# Pocket pinball
# Pocket pool
# Poking palm
# Pole vaulting
# Polishing Percy in your palm
# Polishing the bayonet
# Polishing the beak
# Polishing the cane
# Polishing the chrome dome
# Polishing the family jewels
# Polishing the fire pole
# Polishing the helmet
# Polishing the hot rod
# Polishing the knob
# Polishing the Lighthouse
# Polishing the pink Mustang
# Polishing the Pope
# Polishing the purple people pleaser
# Polishing the rocket
# Polishing the rocking horse
# Polishing the rod
# Polishing the sword
# Polishing your bayonet
# Polishing your helmet
# Polishing your piece
# Popping a nut
# Popping the blister
# Popping the bone
# Popping the cork
# Popping the porpoise
# Popping the purple pimple
# Popping your top
# Pounding off
# Pounding the bald-headed moose
# Pounding the pud
# Pounding your flounder
# Pounding your piss pump
# Pounding your pud
# Pouring off the potatoes
# Practicing for the big game
# Praising God
# Preparing the carrot
# Priming the pump
# Pud wrestling
# Puddin'
# Pudwhacking
# Pullin' a few rounds
# Pulling off
# Pulling pud
# Pulling rank
# Pulling the blue-veined custard chucker
# Pulling the blue-veined junket pumper
# Pulling the bologna pony
# Pulling the carrot
# Pulling the Colonel Sanders Heimleich Manuever
# Pulling the cord
# Pulling the five-knuckle shuffle
# Pulling the goalie
# Pulling the handbrake
# Pulling the piss pump
# Pulling the pole
# Pulling the Pope
# Pulling the pork stick
# Pulling the root
# Pulling the rope
# Pulling the single serving soup dispenser
# Pulling the weed
# Pulling the wire
# Pulling your goalie
# Pulling your love muscle
# Pulling your own leg
# Pulling your plonker
# Pulling your power cord
# Pulling your prick
# Pulling your pud
# Pulling your taffy
# Pulling your wire
# Pummeling the priest
# Pumpin' the poodle
# Pumping cream
# Pumping for pleasure
# Pumping for power
# Pumping gas at the self-service island
# Pumping iron
# Pumping the electric goo gun
# Pumping the porpoise
# Pumping the python
# Pumping the soft soap dispenser
# Pumping the stump
# Punchin' the clown
# Punchin' the midget
# Punchin' the munchkin
# Punching the clown
# Punching the munchkin
# Punching the possum
# Punching the stepson
# Punching yourself in the crotch
# Punishing Percy
# Punishing Percy with the palm
# Punishing the Bishop
# Punishing the Pope
# Puttin' the tie on
# Qualifying in the testicular time trial
# Raising Stonehenge
# Raising the flag pole
# Raising the mainsail
# Raising your sail
# Ramming the ham
# Rapid delivery
# Rapid one arm pull-ups
# Reading poetry
# Releasing the Olympic Doves
# Relieving tension
# Reverse osmosis
# Riding the Great White Knuckler
# Riding the lightning
# Ringing the rag
# Rippin' the rocket
# Rocket piloting
# Rockin' the rooster
# Rolling the fleshy blunt
# Rolling your own
# Roman helmet rhumba
# Romancing the bone
# Romeo and Himself
# Rootin' for the Yankees
# Ropin' the long horn
# Roping the pony
# Roping the Pope
# Roughing the passer
# Roughing up the suspect
# Rounding up the tadpoles
# Rubbing off
# Rubbing one out
# Rubbing the Buddha for good luck
# Rubbing the magic one-eyed wonder weasel
# Rubbing the pink eraser
# Rubbing the rod
# Rubbing the unicorn's horn
# Running in single-user mode
# Running off a batch by hand
# Running the cheeta
# Sacrificing sperm to the god of lonely nights
# Safest sex
# Salting your nuts in the shell
# Sanding the obelisk
# Sanding wood
# Saying a private prayer in the Church of the First Holy Monkey
# Saying hello to Mr. Winkie
# Scalpin' the injun
# Schnauzer Shuffleboard
# Scouring the tower of power
# Scraping your carrot
# Scraping your horn
# Scratchin' the itch
# Scratching the cat pole
# Screwing your girlfriend Handgella
# Scromping the camper
# Seamen reporting for duty on the skin boat
# Seasonin' your meat
# Secret handshake
# Seeding the carpet
# Self abuse
# Self catering
# Self love
# Self-induced penile regurgitation
# Self-inflicted intercourse
# Sending a boy to the Academy
# Sending out the troops
# Sending yourself a hand-job-o-gram
# Sex with someone you really love
# Shagging
# Shakin' hands with Little Richard
# Shakin' the snot off your frog
# Shaking coconuts from the love tree
# Shaking hands with Abe Lincoln
# Shaking hands with beef
# Shaking hands with Jack McNasty
# Shaking hands with Johnson
# Shaking hands with Mr. Happy
# Shaking Hands with Mr. President
# Shaking hands with Shorty
# Shaking hands with the boss
# Shaking hands with the general
# Shaking hands with the goblin of love
# Shaking hands with the Governor
# Shaking hands with the midget
# Shaking hands with the one-eyed trouser trout
# Shaking hands with the President
# Shaking hands with the unemployed
# Shaking hands with your John Thomas
# Shaking hands with your wife's best friend
# Shaking hands with Yul Brenner
# Shaking the bottle
# Shaking the coconut milk of love from the leafless palm trunk
# Shaking the dice
# Shaking the hand of the self-employed
# Shaking the sauce
# Shaking the sausage
# Shaking the snake
# Shaking the sugar tree
# Shaking the white-out pen
# Shanking
# Sharpening your pencil
# Shavin' the carrot
# Shellacking the shellaleigh
# Shemping the hog
# Shifting gears
# Shifting to fifth gear with the pork spear
# Shining the helmet
# Shining the pork sword
# Shining the shaft
# Shining the shank
# Shining your pole
# Shootin' your splouge
# Shooting Cupid's arrow
# Shooting enemies
# Shooting flies
# Shooting for the moon
# Shooting for the stars
# Shooting putty at the moon
# Shooting Sherman
# Shooting skeet (pull...shoot)
# Shooting tadpoles at the moon
# Shooting the pump action porridge gun
# Shooting the sherbert
# Shooting to score
# Shooting your wad
# Shuckin' Bubba
# Shucking the corn
# Simple infanticide
# Singing with Donny Osmond
# Skipping rope
# Slaking the bacon
# Slammin' the salami
# Slamming the ham
# Slamming the hammer
# Slamming the salmon
# Slamming the spam
# Slamming the sump-pump
# Slap-Boxing the One-Eyed Champ
# Slappin' the purple-headed yogurt pistol
# Slappin' Pappy
# Slapping high fives with Yul Brynner
# Slapping it
# Slapping my happy sacks
# Slapping the big-nosed Rasta man
# Slapping the carrot
# Slapping the clown
# Slapping the Cyclops
# Slapping the donkey
# Slapping the FleshGopher
# Slapping the meat
# Slapping the pud
# Slapping the salami
# Slapping your chub
# Slaying the beast
# Slaying the dragon
# Sleeping
# Slicking the stick
# Slinging jelly
# Slinging the jelly
# Sloppy Joe's last stand
# Sloppy sign language
# Smackin' Isaiah
# Smacking Bob around
# Smacking the monkey
# Smacking the oompa loompa
# Smacking the salami
# Smacking the weasel
# Smacking the yak 'til it spits back
# Smacking your sister
# Smacking-off
# Smoking the bratworst
# Snappin' off a batch
# Snapping one off
# Snapping the carrot
# Snapping the monkey
# Snapping the radish
# Snapping the rubber
# Snapping the whip
# Snapping your carrot
# Solo flight
# Solo marathon
# Solo sex
# Solo spurting
# Soup of the day
# Spackling the ceiling
# Spanking Cheetah
# Spanking Elvis
# Spanking Frank
# Spanking the bishop
# Spanking the frank
# Spanking the monkey
# Spanking the plank
# Spanking the salami
# Spanking the wank
# Spanking up a batch
# Speaking into the microphone
# Spear chucking
# Spearing the Spartans
# Spending some quality time with yourself
# Spermin' Herman the one-eyed German
# Spewing your load
# Spilling my children on my belly
# Spit-polishing the purple helmet
# Spitting up
# Splashing one out
# Spluging
# Spreading the mayo
# Spunking
# Spunking the Monk
# Spurtin' Bert
# Squashing the sea monkey
# Squeezing the burrito
# Squeezing the Charmin
# Squeezing the cheese
# Squeezing the cream from the flesh Twinkie
# Squeezing the glue
# Squeezing the juice
# Squeezing the lemon
# Squeezing the snake with the turtleneck sweater
# Squeezing the tube of toothpaste
# Squeezing the weasel
# Squeezing your cheese-dog
# Squirting off your load in the school bathroom
# Squishing the fish
# Staff meeting
# Stall clapping
# Starting the day off right
# Stirring the batter
# Stirring the soup
# Stirring the yogurt
# Stoking the fire
# Strainin' the main vein
# Strangling Kojak
# Strangling the hog
# Strangling the one-eyed trouser snake
# Strangling the Serpent
# Stress relief for a personal appendage
# Stretching the limo
# Stretching the turtle neck
# Striking the pink match
# Striking your match
# Stripping the bark off your wood
# Stroke 'til you spew
# Strokin'
# Strokin' the mule
# Strokin' the sausage
# Stroking it
# Stroking off
# Stroking the balony pony
# Stroking the dog
# Stroking the lizard
# Stroking the mole
# Stroking the one-eyed burping gecko
# Stroking the salami
# Stroking the satin-headed serpent
# Stroking the snake
# Stroking the squirmin' German
# Stroking the stallion
# Stroking the wiener
# Stroking your goat
# Stroking your poker
# Stroking your pud
# Stroking your twinkie
# Stromming the Thurmond
# Strummin' my six inch
# Studying for a math test
# Sucker-punching the blind webster
# Swickin' it
# Swinging the jump rope
# Swinging the light saber
# Swinging the purple-veined kidney stabber
# Swinging the royal red reproduction rod
# Tagging off
# Takin' the bunt sign
# Taking a five minute vacation south of the border
# Taking a nap
# Taking a shake break
# Taking Captain Picard to Warp-Speed
# Taking care of business
# Taking control of yourself
# Taking Herman to the circus
# Taking little Elvis to Graceland
# Taking matters into your own hands
# Taking ol' one eye through the fly
# Taking ol' one eye to the Knuckle Shuffle
# Taking part in population control
# Taking some time off
# Taking the dog for a walk
# Taking the Jocelyn Elders Midterm
# Taking the monster for a one-armed ride
# Taking the sperm whale for a walk
# Taking your turn at the self-serve pump
# Talking quietly to yourself
# Talking turkey
# Taming the shrew
# Taming the wild hog
# Tamping your tater
# Tapping the turkey
# Target practice
# Target practice with the yogurt gun
# Target practicing with white ammo
# Taunting the one-eyed weasel
# Teaching a one-eyed Chinaman how to dance
# Teaching him a lesson
# Teaching your kids to swim
# Teasing the purple-headed custard chucker
# Teasing the python
# Teasing the Viking
# Teasing the weasel
# Teasing the weenie
# Teeing off
# Tenderizing the tube steak
# Tenderizing your meat
# Test-firing the meat missle
# Testicular tensile strength test
# Testing the hand cream dispenser
# Testing the testicles
# Testing your batteries
# That crazy hand jive
# The art of Unisex
# The Colonel Sanders Heimleich Maneuver
# The five digit disco
# The five-knuckle shuffle on the old piss pipe
# The five-finger hustle with Russel the one-eyed love muscle
# The serta solo
# The sticky page rhumba
# Thrapping
# Thrashing the weasel
# Threading a needle
# Throbbing the knob
# Throwin' down
# Throwing
# Throwing a shower
# Throwing off a batch
# Throwing one
# Throwing the hamster against the wall
# Throwing up mayo
# Thumping the pump
# Thumping your pud
# Thwackin' the sack
# Tickle the Elmo
# Ticklewigglejigglepickle
# Tickling my fancy
# Tickling the dragon's tail
# Tickling the ivory
# Tickling the one-eyed weasel
# Tickling the pickle
# Tickling the Polish salmon
# Toilet sailing
# Tonking
# Torkin' the fork
# Torqueing the turtle
# Torturing the tentacle
# Tossing off
# Tossing the boss
# Tossing the salad
# Tossing the sauce
# Tossing the snag
# Tossing the spam javelin
# Tossing the turkey
# Tossing the white ball
# Tossing yogurt
# Touching the penis
# Treating yourself right
# Trolling for the one-eyed walleye
# Trolling for trouser trout
# Trouser snake CPR
# Trouser trout dancing lesson
# Tube sock tango
# Tug of war with Cyclops
# Tuggin' the timber
# Tugging Mount Love
# Tugging old beater
# Tugging the rope
# Tugging the slug
# Tugging the tapioca tube
# Tugging the tossle
# Tugging the turkey
# Tugging your tubesteak
# Tuning my horn
# Tuning the antenna
# Tuning your organ
# Turning Japanese (UK - one step beyond wanking)
# Turning on your fire hose
# Tussle with your muscle
# Tussling the Muscle
# Twanging the wire
# Tweaking your twinkie
# Twisting your crank
# Twisting your tool
# Typing with one hand
# Uncorking the bottle
# Underarm javelin in the meat olympics
# Unloading
# Unloading the gun
# Unmasking Darth Vader
# Unsheathing the pork sword
# Unwrapping the pepperoni
# Using the Force on Darth Vader
# Using the force on your meat saber
# Using the ol' 1 wood
# Varnishing the cane
# Varnishing the flagpole
# Vibrating the viper and making him spit poison
# Violating the hedge-hog
# Visiting Old Faithful
# Visiting Rosy Palm and her five daughters
# Visiting the five-fingered widow
# Wacking a lap
# Wacking off
# Wacking the one-eyed worm
# Wacking the paddle
# Wacking the weasel
# Wacking the weiner
# Wacking the willie
# Wagging the dog
# Wailing
# Wakey wakey hands off snakey
# Waking the dead
# Waking Wee Willie Winkle
# Walking the dog
# Walking the plank
# Walking the snake
# Walking Wally the one-eyed wonder worm
# Waltzing with Willy
# Wank
# Wank-o-rama
# Wanking
# Wanking off
# Wanking with the one-eyed wonder weasel
# Warming up the altar boy's dinner
# Washing the elephant's trunk
# Washing the meat
# Washing the wolverine
# Wasting your wad
# Watching the geyser
# Waving the Magic Wand
# Waxing pedro
# Waxing the beanpole
# Waxing the car
# Waxing the carrot
# Waxing the dolphin
# Waxing the flipper
# Waxing the old goal post
# Waxing the rocket
# Waxing your Jackson
# Waxing your surfboard
# Waxing your weasel
# Waxing your Willy
# Whackin' the weasel
# Whacking it
# Whacking off
# Whacking the axe
# Whacking Willy
# Whacking your tack
# Whippin' the whopper
# Whipping off
# Whipping skippy
# Whipping the balls
# Whipping the bishop
# Whipping the dummy
# Whipping the one-eyed trouser snake
# Whipping the one-eyed wonder weasel
# Whipping the pony
# Whipping the rat
# Whipping the stiff
# Whipping the walrus
# Whipping the window washer
# Whipping the wire
# Whipping up a batch
# Whipping up some sour cream
# Whipping Willy the one-eyed wonder-worm
# Whipping your dripper
# White-water wristing
# Whitewashing
# Whittling the stick
# Whizzin' jism
# Whomping the walrus
# Wiggling your worm
# Winding my watch
# Winding the Jack in the Box
# Windsurfing on Mount Baldy
# Wonking your conker
# Wonking your donk
# Workin' out a stiff joint
# Working a cramp out of your muscle
# Working off
# Working off a batch
# Working overtime at the meat factory
# Working up a batch
# Working your Willy
# Wrapping my hand around my cock and blowing a load all over my mother
# Wrestling the alligator
# Wrestling the eel
# Wrestling the gator
# Wrestling the one-eyed monster
# Wrestling the purple-headed warrior
# Wrestling with Jimmy
# Wrestling with the bald champ
# Wrestling with the one-eyed superhero
# Wringing out your rope
# Wringing the weasel
# Wringing your thing
# Wringing your weasel
# Wrist aerobics
# Yahtzee
# Yank my Doodle (It's a Dandy)
# Yankin' it
# Yankin' your chain
# Yankin' your Franklin
# Yanking off
# Yanking the crank
# Yanking the doodle
# Yanking the yoyo
# Yanking your chain
# Yanking your crank
# Yanking your plank
# Yanking your Yoda
# Yogurt slinging
# Zipper Olympics
# Zygote spraying
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Sunday, September 11, 2005
Friday, September 09, 2005
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
If Operating Systems Were Beers ...
DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
Mac Beer:
At first, came only in a 16-oz can, but now comes in a 32-oz can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz can that looks a lot like Mac Beer. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
OS/2 Beer:
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer:
The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 eer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes ost people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. rinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.
AmigaDOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared lashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
VMS Beer:
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that it is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
Mac Beer:
At first, came only in a 16-oz can, but now comes in a 32-oz can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz can that looks a lot like Mac Beer. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
OS/2 Beer:
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer:
The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 eer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes ost people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. rinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.
AmigaDOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared lashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
VMS Beer:
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that it is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.
Saturday, September 03, 2005
Jabberwocky (just a bit of history)
Jabberwocky
Lewis Carroll (Charles Lutwidge Dodgson)
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"
He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought--
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.
And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!
One two! One two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.
"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"
He chortled in his joy.
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
Lewis Carroll (Charles Lutwidge Dodgson)
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"
He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought--
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.
And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!
One two! One two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.
"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"
He chortled in his joy.
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
i have just put a new link
this link is for the game maple story it is an online rpg game that is well worth you playing, it is very detailed on the same line as a lot of the old super nes games but you can play online with loads of other people
i'll give it 9 out of 10
give it a blast
here is a screen shot
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